The second month of the year will be over tomorrow. I feel a lot better than I did last February, even though not much has changed in my life. I guess the first part of changing my life would be to heal my inner world. Mind, body, and soul.
Good Lord, I just got done looking through all of my older journal entries. Not just my blog entries, but my physical journal entries. I didn't realize how much of my blood was in there...
Anyways, I was trying to compare how I feel now to how I felt back then. I became consumed by my past. So, yeah, I do feel a whole lot better than I did last year, and the year before that, and the year before that. Geez.
Let's see... Last February I was cleaning my grandpa's house because my extended family was going to stay there. I was very mopey and self-pitying. I was devastated at not having a Valentines. So devasted, I started my research into Objectum Sexuality. Video essay coming this December! I started blogging again, but I deleted the posts quickly after. I was struggling with my insomnia. I was also looking for different outlets of expression. I just knew I wanted to start anew.
This month has been pretty great! Better than the last 3 February's combined. Or maybe just the last 2, that I know for sure. I have been going to the gym consistently since January and I feel so much fucking better about myself. I started vlogging the whole month to help me stay positive and I plan to post it to YouTube. I have been working on my art and how I present myself as an artist. I made a lot of decisions in regards to the things I make and how I share them. I did not have a Valentines this year and I was still devastated, lol! Mainly because of the FOMO; V-day happened on Saturday this year. Boo!!
However! I did end up going to a Galentine's Day gathering with my mom's coworkers, lol. It was fun, I received a lot of cute gifts and took many shots. Definitely a lot better than moping around and crying all of the time. Here's my loot!
I've been preparing myself for my family's upcoming spring break trip. We're going to the beach for a couple of days, so we're all very excited about that. That means pushing myself a bit harder at the gym. But! I won't have unrealistic expectations; I can't look the way I want to look by the end of March. I'm having to reckon with the fact that I still have a ways to go. I mean, I'll look so much better than I did last year, that's for sure! Instead of being stuck in my head, worried about all of my flaws, I will be present and confident.
I've just been trying really hard this year. And it's working! It's taking time, but that means it will stick this time. I have had a few bad days, but not bad enough to give up. As I was looking through my old entries, I was immediately transported to those times. I was filled with so much dread, it took me a moment to shake that feeling off. I am never going back there. Typing this out feels surreal. I can't believe how far I've come. I am quite proud of my progress. Just like adding more weight onto your machine, I'm going to add more things to my schedule. It's all about becoming stronger these next couple of months.
I'll be going out tomorrow. It's like a celebration. I'm on the lookout for a new hat, as well as a little gym bag. You know... Cause I go to the gym? :D Like I mentioned in my last post, I do feel like something is about to drastically change in my life. Whether it'd be an internal or external change, I know it's coming. It's inevitable, it's something I've been waiting for this whole month. For years, if I'm being honest. We shall see what tomorrow brings us, and if not, the next month.
I went to the dollar store today and grabbed some stuff for the beach trip. And a couple of other things to try! I had my eyes out for the L.A. Colors Mermaid collection and I managed to get my hands on a couple of items. I'm going to try them out tomorrow, so I'll write about them in the next post. The collection is kind of meh, but I'm a mermaid so I needed them.
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I always need gum! And that blush is so sexy, I can't wait to try it out tomorrow. The lipgloss is so good as well, I tried it on as soon as I got home. Very sparkly and cute <3 I'm gonna wrap this up, I'm actually getting tired. We're leaving by 10 AM tomorrow, so I need to prepare myself. OOTD tomorrow as well! <333
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