Romanticizing February

 

Steak-Shaped Frozen Dessert!

 

    The gas station closest to me started carrying those novelty ice-creams. I've gotten those peach, strawberry, grape ice-creams and they've been pretty good! They also carry the fried chicken ice-cream! What recently caught my eye was this steak popsicle, which grossed my mom out, lol.

    I obviously wanted the ice-cream for photo op's. The ice-cream looked pretty cool, it looked extra real because it still had ice from the freezer. It's strawberry milk flavored; The white part tasted creamier, while the red parts tasted tangier. It tasted like one of those vanilla ice-cream cups with strawberry syrup, but less flavorful. 

    It's cool as a novelty, but it's not the best tasting ice-cream. I am lactose, so it's not worth risking eating again, lol. In fact, I didn't finish it! I let my brother eat the rest of it. It's also not sugar-free, so yet another reason to not eat it again. I'd rather get some fro-yo!!! (≧ڡ≦*)

Flesh on the Inside Looks Like Roses

 

I am currently writing from my grandparents house! I've been up since 6:30 AM, running on 5 hours of sleep, and I am pretty tired. Our house is getting sprayed, so we had to stay over here for a couple of hours. I packed a bunch of things because I thought we'd be here forever, but I haven't used anything except for my computer. lol.

    Before we left, I packed up all of the kitties (we found kittens back in January) in the car with us. Do you know how hard it is to park with a scared kitten tucked away in your arm? Or when one of the kittens starts exploring the car while you're driving, walking in-between your foot and the brake? It's quite difficult, I assure you, but not impossible.

    I had also managed to acquire a rose flavored iced-latte in the morning. They are the best!!! One of my favorite lattes to get by far. It makes me feel so coquette. In a good way. I can't wait to drink one on the beach! Also! My jacket came in the mail just before we left our house. It's sooo nice, exactly what I wanted. That will be the jacket I wear the whole trip, and so on. It's a great addition to my closet.

    While I was here, at my grandparents, I took a nice hot shower. I planned on going to the gym today, but I was so damn tired. I didn't go to the gym the whole week because of my cold, boo! If you don't stop and listen to your body, your body will do it for you. I guess I needed a week off. But I will be back in the gym, going hard, for the next 3 weeks!!! And so on, but Spring Break, you know.

    Hence the immediate shower. That was a tangent. The shower at home has been cold as of late. I am no stranger to cold showers. I have become spoiled. lol. They're hot now, so no problem. But! It was nice to take a hot shower after taking a couple of cold ones. I felt very coquette in my grandmother's bathroom.

White roses wrapped around the vanity lights.

White roses wrapped around the shower curtains.

More flowers and foliage!

My grandmother loved the Paris motif!

Rose latte next to the rose vase. Duh.

I listened to Opheliac while I was showering. I hadn't listened to that album all the way through since I was a freshman 14 years ago 0.o It added some ambiance!

    Very coquette, very morute, very much antique. Very Grandma! I guess you can tell why I love certain aesthetics due to hanging out with my grandparents. Especially my grandma. My mom added the extra decorations, since my grandma has been deceased for over 5 years. She would've loved it!

    Something awful did happen the other day; I was grabbing some deconstructed cardboard boxes and gave myself the worst paper cut. The cardboard sliced me!! It was pretty deep, but my finger has been healing it pretty well. It still stings! I have to keep putting bandaids on it every 5 seconds.

Yeeoooochhhhh!!!

    I am not currently writing the rest of this entry at home! When we got back, I decided to clean out my room. I took down all of my posters and got rid of some stuff. It's time for a reset. Spring cleaning, if you will. If I had a choice, I wouldn't have gotten rid of my posters, but it had to be done. Boo. I feel like I'm living in a cell. Or a monastery. White walls can make a bitch go crazy.

My bed currently, Washing sheets!

    COQUETTE!?? DO you understand? My life is one big joke. The joke is on me. Let me out. Let me out of my cell. I am in the Asylum. Everything is white. I slang tarot cards and they've been telling me that I'm going to move. Is this a sign? Am I nipping everything in the bud ahead of time? Should I vlog it???

    I ended up sweating and getting dirty all over again. I am tired, my left nostril is itchy and clogged, and my body is sticky. EUGH. And my contacts are drying my eyes out. And I need to brush my teeth and I need to get my sheets out of the dryer and I need to go to sleep!

    This post was supposed to be about Emilie Autumn, the polarizing figure, and how I discovered her in middle school. She was the shit to me at the ripe age of 13. I would listen to "In the Lake" and "The Art of Suicide" on my iPod touch while walking to each class. History, 7th period, "Face the Wall" blaring in my cheap earbud. Then, I would whip my little iPod touch out during class and show my friends Koisuru Boukun. heh. That also when I started making OC's that fucked each other. Emo. Gay. Vampires. I loved Twilight. and porn. I got DeviantArt blocked by the school district's internet. Don't. Ask.

    I can't keep my eyes open. I go, now. fuck youuuuu

From the Floor in my Castle

 

    Well, I'm sick. Woo hoo. It's just a lot of sneezing, sniffling and tiredness. Such is the right of passage for incoming Spring.

    Since Spring is on its way (it's basically here in California), my style begins to shift along with the seasons. My color palette is no different than my Winter palette, lol! I just incorporate more of that 2012-14 Tumblr style that I was mentioning in a previous post. I also tend to feel a bit more witchy. TBH, my style is pretty consistent, the only thing that shifts (slightly) are the color palettes! I'll show some examples with some Pinterest pics:

Winter

Summer

 

    During the Winter, I wear a ton of pink, purple and back. I love pink!!! But when it's time for Summer, I shift more towards neon colors and more colors in general. I was a scene kid in middle school, the whole rainbow rave thing has never left me. And I'm always wearing black, man. That will never change. What I love is the contrast! I love pink, ruffles, dresses and shit, I just have to rough it up a bit. A lot. I mean, take a look at the kinderwhore style. Great example of contrast!

the perfect combo!!!!

    That's basically my "style". I get bored very fast and I need an endless amount of style combos or I'll go crazy, mad even. I'll try anything as long as I can edge it up! Which is why I need to get more piercings and tattoos immediately. I could wear a pink polo with a pair of capris and as long as I'm tatted and pierced the fuck up, I'll look "alternative". I just love the contrast! I have come to terms that I'm a walking contradiction and I should never say never to any trends. Maybe it's my Cancer Sun, Sagittarius Moon placements working against each other. Maybe they balance each other out, who knows!

    Since it's barely Spring, I'm still in pink mode. It's just time to bust out the jean cut-off shorts. As I mentioned before, I have been losing weight, so I am limited to only one pair of jeans shorts. I won't be buying anything like jean shorts until I'm settled, you know? I'm doing this despite being in desperate need of new summer clothes. I'm just gonna have to live in my stupid, elasticized skirts the whole summer. Fuck! We'll see where I'm at in June :/

    Anyways! I mentioned in my previous post about pivoting to YouTube. I was at a loss in regards to what the hell I was going to do. I managed to sit at my desk, in my sickly state, and brainstorm some ideas. I don't want to focus too much on being a "YouTuber", since I'm an artist first. That's not the point, you know? But, I need to do something. I have to make my videos somewhat interesting. And I do have things to say about the process of creating art. I have things to say! At least, from my perspective.

    Like, sketchbooks? Listen, do what you want with your sketchbook, fuck what I think, right? I personally have designated sketchbooks for certain things. Which is probably not sustainable, lol. Very cluttered. But I'm mentally cluttered, so I guess it's a reflection of my brain, my thought process. Very messy. I hate the thought of purchasing an expensive sketchbook with one page holding an elaborate illustration, then shitty Prismacolor sketches right behind it. That drives me crazy!!

    I see a lot of "sketchbooks" with really nice layouts and illustrations, little to no mistakes. They're practically "perfect". I know it's different with every artist, I don't know what they deem "perfect", lol. I personally wouldn't call that a sketchbook? Unless they're studies? What even would we call that? "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet". I know some artists have designated sketchbooks to show on social media. That's what I'm working on!

    My whole life, I've drawn with pen and pencil, so I've been challenging myself to utilize more color and render more. I see the appeal of those kinds of "sketchbooks". But, where do you put your messy/ugly sketches? Your brainstorms? I know some people might not want to see that part of the process. Maybe some people want to, so that they can feel better about their own artistic process? Nothing's ever perfect all of the time.

    A hot take of mine is my disdain for only focusing on illustrating in the sketchbook, and not creating a body of work. It's good content for social media and you can turn those illustrations into prints, no problem. It's a personal thing, I know. I'm aware of the time, money, energy, space, etc. that goes into creating art. But if you can and you have the resources, why not make something bigger? Do more!! I should talk, I'm barely shifting to Procreate. heh. But that's what I would do, especially if I had a large following.

    That's a video idea!! I just need a mic and a phone stand. Bare bones, bare booooonnneessss!!! I'll make it work. Combat shame!!! I ended up coming up with more video ideas while I was drinking coffee and sneezing my brains out. I just have to do. Action! Knight of Pentacles, Seven of Pentacles, Knight of Wands energy. It's exciting, yes?? (╥﹏╥)

    Ugh, I hope I feel better tomorrow. I really want to get back to the gym, but if I don't rest, I won't get better faster. I might have to go Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. We shall see. Waiting, waiting, waiting... I didn't get to edit my video today, so I guess tomorrow! I just couldn't muster up the energy today. I think this post is long enough. Documenting things is very important. Joy down the date whenever you can. Even the time.

Should I Take the Day?

     Typically, I'd be asleep in bed by now, but my gym partner is down with a cold, so I have no obligation to wake at 4:30 AM. I'm even wondering if I should go at all tomorrow. I thought, "Maybe I'll go later or maybe I'll go for a run". But if I do anything past 8 AM, I'll miss a livestream... Decisions, decisions...

    I might just take the day. I'll probably go to the gym on Wednesday, if my gym partner is willing to. Wednesdays are usually our rest days. However, I really need to sit down and really take a look at where I'm at right now. I've been avoiding doing anything pertaining to my projects for some reason beyond my comprehension. A spiritual blockage, if you will. Fuck.

    And I'm tired. I really am tired. I really wanted to push myself to lose some weight before our beach trip. I know that sounds unrealistic, but I wanted to try anyway. I think it'll work out in the end, I just need to relax. If anything, I know I've made great progress since I started in January. And I'm still going!

    My family and I went out on Saturday. We went to the mall and grabbed something to eat. God, malls are exhausting. I don't think I can take it anymore. I'm officially too old for the mall. There's just too many people who lack spatial awareness.

    I wanted a coffee, but the little coffee kiosk that's usually there was gone :( I really wanted one of their coffees again! Boo!! I ended up going to a boba kiosk and getting a coffee there, with boba of course... Big mistake, it really fucked my stomach up when I got home. But, it was really good while I was walking around. Never. Again.

    I was on the lookout for a hat, specifically a Von Dutch one. Ever since I saw the hats being sold in a Spencer's, I low-key wanted one. Just not for over $50! So, I was on the lookout for any other hat that would suffice, as well as any Von Dutch hats that were on sale. We ended up at a Zumiez; I know that if any place would have Von Dutch hats, it would be a Zumiez. And I was right. I found a brown and pink Von Dutch trucker hat that was $38, so that purchase was easier to justify. I really love it! While we were in line, I was this reusable bag they were selling and it was so up my alley. Everything together was like $43-ish bucks? Still less than the Von Dutch hat I saw back at Spencer's.

    We stopped by a Bath & Body, then a Miniso after that. I picked up some hand sanitizer, since you can never have enough. We looked around Miniso for a bit and I found a My Melody beauty blender case set for $6. That was awesome, since I was on the lookout for the Hello Kitty one from Ross. I don't like to travel with my beauty blender all loose, exposed to the germs and bacteria not from my face!

The colors of the reusable bag are my favorite to work with while illustrating! The barbed wire being the branches holding the blossoms. Gagged!!

    We left the mall to grab something to eat before we went home. It was much needed, since I worked up an appetite from walking around the mall. We sat outside and took in the sunset. As per my brother's request (it was his turn to choose the restaurant), he wanted Dutch Bro's (as you can see, one cannot acquire a proper meal at a coffee joint), so we ended up grabbing some on the way home. It was really good. Too bad my body was rejecting the coffee, due to the vile boba coffee settling in my stomach. I was tossing and turning in pain before sleep took its claim over me.

She is a cruel, cruel mistress.

    Seriously, I didn't know if I was going to barf or shit myself. LMAO!! Ugh, it was awful. It felt like fucking alcohol poisoning. Not fun!!! I asked for almond milk too! It must've been the "coffee" flavoring used. :'''''( Lesson learned, I guess!! That was my Saturday, which took me out! I rested all Sunday, taking a nap only to go back to sleep after a shower. Exhausting, exhausting! 

    I wanted to edit my February vlog, but I had a late start today as well. I also think I might've caught whatever's going around too. My right nostril is clogged and itchy. I've been sneezing. No!!! So, I guess taking a day off doesn't seem so bad. I do plan on getting up early so that I can have more time to do the things I want, I just won't be overexerting myself. Just laundry and organizing.

    I really need to get organized. I am shifting my "content" elsewhere. TikTok is no good anymore. I'll still keep it, just like Twitter, but I won't be focusing on it. I knew I'd eventually shift to YouTube, I just didn't know when and how exactly. I have to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. I don't have a tripod, a mic, a decent camera, a decent computer, or a decent editing program. I am extremely bare bones over here. I guess that will be apart of the charm.

    I am more interested in documenting the artistic process of my project and thesis, rather than making "content" like a dancing monkey, you know? I mean, I'll gladly make a fool out of myself just to make someone laugh, but that's not the point. You have to choose one thing and focus on it. So, it is with a heavy heart, that I have to shelf my blossoming comedy career.

    I just wish I didn't still hold so much shame in my body. It almost feels like a humiliation ritual to film oneself on camera. I know I have to express myself, one way or another. I have to build a connection. I just don't know how to do that in a way that is unique. Cause, everyone and their momma has a YouTube channel!! Why would my channel be any different? What's the point of your channel and why should we care? You make art? So do millions of others, Bozo!! And then I have to promote myself? That's even more embarrassing! They'll kick me while I'm down, I know it!! 

    Maybe it's insecurity. Everyone else is doing it, so why can't you? Get over yourself, you know? Sometimes I don't think I'm up to par. I'm not good enough. I'm an old loser. I'm stuck in this lack mindset. I just have to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do! That's what tomorrow's for, I guess. I just need to think. I need to plan. Then I need to take action. I know what I need to do, it's just how.

    And I know I need to fucking talk, people play YouTube videos in the background when they're working!! I know this!! We all know this!! Video essay this, video essay that! Where the fuck are your academic sources and peer-review edits? Do you read academic essays? Do you analyze and annotate? When's the last time you wrote a 5-6 page essay in 12 point font, Times New Roman? Did you even take one single gender studies class in community college?!!

    Damn it, I'll figure it out and let you know if I have something worthwhile. In the meantime, I need to go to bed. I can feel the nose getting worse. I am tired. I am tired!! Much to do tomorrow, which is technically today. Oh no, my right eye is getting irritated!! UGHH!!! I didn't want to get sick, fuck you!!!

L.A. Colors

 

    I had been on the lookout for the L.A. Colors Mermaid collection for a hot minute. Honestly, it's nothing extravagant, but I am a sucker for seashell packaging. And each item was $1.25, so it is what it is!

    I didn't purchase the whole collection because I do believe that would be a waste; These collections tend to stay safe in their color palettes. In fact, two of the palettes I purchased are very similar in their color palettes. I also only purchased one of the lip glosses from the collection, as the other two were just pink and red.

    You'd think the color selection would consist of more blues, purples, and greens... Maybe even some pressed glitters, and if that's too much for a dollar, silvery shimmers... Why does the color palette consist of warm tones and pinks? Thankfully, I like those colors, lol! And the only interesting lip gloss was the milky pearl color! It's not a very creative collection, lol, but my dumbass bought it so...

    I also purchased a deep, cool-toned berry blush from another L.A. Colors collection and a shimmery pink lip gloss from another. Those were very nice, but also the most interesting things out of the whole collection. I used those products with the mermaid collection to do my make-up yesterday.

    As for the performance of the products, they are very decent for a dollar. Sure, the whole palette consists entirely of shimmers, but they were pretty pigmented. The blush is also very pigmented, as it's a deep berry color. I almost put too much on! It looks like a nice flush, very carnal. And I loved the lip gloss so much!! I am quite the sucker for glittery lip glosses, I can never get enough.

    Overall, the make-up was pretty great! The eye shadow stayed on, as did the blush. The lip gloss shimmer stayed on my lips. Despite the limiting/basic color palette, the products do perform well. Here are some pictures of the make-up I did!

With flash!

Natural sunlight!

    If you're on a budget, L.A. Colors is very decent make-up. I know purchasing items for the novelty is not sustainable, so I can't really push anyone to buy it, lol! I'd recommend the lip gloss and blush though, those are great! I am really into shimmery pinks at the moment, so this collection works out for me :)

Nighttime Plum Blossoms (2-28-26)