Water of the Day!

    Have you ever seen those "water of the day" tiktoks? At first I thought they were a bit overkill, since I only use one reasonable packet of water enhancer. However, I have been wanting to mix things up with like sparkling water and edible shimmer... SO!! I went to the Dollar Tree (When am I not there??) and picked up some stuff! I still want to grab some sparkling water, whipped cream, and candy like pop rocks or nerds so that I can decorate the drink. It'd be kinda like a melon soda float, just more American (bastardized), like Sonic. I'm experimenting!!

    These flavors caught my eye! I was never a huge cotton candy fan, but after using my cotton candy body spray from Bath & Body, I have been obsessed. I can thank my lavender marshmallow candle for the marshmallow cravings as well! I usually prefer the pineapple strawberry or concord grape flavors, but I've decided to take a gamble and try these!

I was hesitant on trying edible shimmer/glitter dust because I thought it was absurd. But, let's be real, of course I would like it. I was a bit worried about peeing glitter? Does it show up in your piss?? I'm going to find out soon. I don't know if I like thinking about that too hard... UTI?? Glitter shit??

Here is the drink assembled! Look at that shimmer!! I could only find blue, silver, and gold dust, so I picked up the blue as the best choice. The blue was able to harmonize with the mostly pink water enhancers quite well. 

Here is the drink in action! It looks so kawaii. I am happy (´・ω・`) Like I said, I have to experiment more with sparkling water and sodas to really get the results I want. I'll have to update when that happens. In the meantime, I should look for more recipes.

Inspo!!!

I got this last year!! I still use the straw (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧ The drink was awful though.

I really wanted to try the Paris drink when it came out!

The options are endless!!

Midnight Park

 

    Here's a photo shoot from a couple of weeks ago! I have the worst case of impostor syndrome ever, so I have a hard time sharing photos of myself. My self-perception is way off. I also have a bit of body dysmorphia, so I have a hard time seeing myself the way others do. That's what years of maladaptive daydreaming and dissociation does to a mother fucker. Being photographed like this helps me see who I really am. I guess these photo sessions help my self-esteem more than I realize!

Real talk, do you think these are orbs??

Again, you think it's an orb??

    Well, that was a long post! I have all of these pictures, so I have to share them somehow. Also!! If you see cuts on my thighs, those were from my 3 month old kitten. That's entirely my bad, I have to cut her nails. I know she's going to throw a fucking fit, hence my postponing it!!! I have to lock in.

Bad Dreams

    Lately, I've been having some pretty intense dreams. Some of them have been disturbing to say the least.

    A lot of them have been including some distant family members. In many of my dreams, they are very hostile and upset with me. I feel like they're trying to intimidate me. In other dreams, they are simply just having dinner with me or just hanging out.

    In one dream, I got in a car that was being controlled by someone close to me. The person wasn't driving, and I wasn't in control of the car. It was like they had a remote control and the car I was in was being controlled that way. The person with the remote control was making the car swerve and shake, causing me to be thrown around inside. The person didn't stop until I crashed and got hurt.

    Suddenly I'm back home and one of my siblings stops me. They're pointing at the floor exclaiming, "You're finger!" I looked at my right hand and my middle finger was missing, like it was cut off. I found the rest of my finger on the floor where my sibling was pointing. I picked up the finger and immediately tried putting my finger back together. This was when I went to the person "driving" the car, yelling at them, trying to show them what they did to me. They liked that I was in pain, they did not care about my feelings. They were basically like, "I'm not going to help you!" I eventually went to the hospital and noticed my finger gradually decaying and becoming more gruesome. I was then prepared for surgery. 

    That wasn't the first car crash dream I had; I had another dream where I was in an accident and my legs got really messed up. There were gashes and deep wounds, I could feel my flesh wanting to fall off the bone. I was wheelchair bound.

    The dream I had last night was another one about my family being hostile towards me again. I can't remember the details, but I eventually had to use the restroom. In my dream, I was looking for the bathroom. I tend to dream about using the toilet when I actually have to go pee. I went into some restroom after someone else and I looked at the toilet in shock. There was chunky orange vomit all over the seat and I was trying to clean it up. I eventually started gagging and that is what woke me up.

    I woke up gagging hard and my mouth was full of spit. The spit was coming out of my mouth and got all over my pillow. I moved my tongue around to make sure it wasn't actual vomit, because I honestly think I was going to throw up in my sleep.

That is also not the first dream I had about being in the restroom and something vile happens. Not too long ago, I had a dream where I needed to use the restroom and when I tried flushing the toilet, it flooded the stall with dirty toilet water and shit.

    I feel like people are out to get me because of these dreams. I have been isolating myself from people. I have been holding my boundaries. I'm sure I'm a villain in someone's story, but I don't care about that. If I seem that way because you refuse to have a conversation with me about it, so be it. I am not here to continue the cycle. I've been through some bullshit and I'm not going to live the rest of my life out in pain and misery. Besides that, what the hell have I done to warrant such hostility? Why do people want to hurt me? Why do they want to watch my life fall apart?

    I know this because there was some pretty heavy energy surrounding me last night. Things were fine until they weren't. I was like, "What the fuck did I even do?" I know it was just some manipulation tactic to put the blame back on me. I know who the real bad guy is, so in the meantime, I'm going to stay the fuck away. I have lit a black and white candle. I'm thinking about doing an egg cleanse. It's hard for me to keep my hopes up when I can't fully get away from the issue. Not yet, anyways.

    It's hard for me to work on my projects with so much hostility going on. I feel like I'm being forced back into survival mode. I feel like I can't do the things I need to do without seeming like a burden or a fuck-up. I feel a bit hopeless at the moment, but it will pass. It is my duty to persevere. I will not let myself down this time. I hope I make it.

My Ideal Pool Day

 

My Last Pool Day!

    Summer's coming to an end (But does it really end when you live in the middle of California?), so this post is quite late! Still, I want to make this post to describe what I think a perfect pool day would be. We have a nice, big pool in the backyard that I like to dip in every Sunday or so! I should be taking advantage of it more, but I don't have a proper swimsuit. I swim in a shirt and a pair of shorts (╥ ᴗ ╥)

    But I don't let that dampen my spirits, I let it dampen my shorts. In the pool. When I jump in.（ ´థ౪థ）Anyways, Sunday is coming up again and I'm making this list to check things off. I'm also going to be listing things that I would like, cause that won't hurt a damn thing. I'd rather be vacationing at the beach, but a pool surrounded by wasps will have to do. One day!! Don't give up on your dreams!!!

1. Cute Swim Suit

  

    When I think about swimsuits, I always think about the old school UNIF and Dolls Kill (Before everything happened...) suits. The tie dye and pastel suits contrasting with the strapy, bondage-like black suits always fascinated me. And all the holographic shit!! I don't know if I'll ever fit into any of these suits, if I could even find these suits second-hand. I could always learn how to sew!! In the meantime, I'm on the hunt for an affordable, yet cute swim suit.

2. A Good Playlist

    You always need a good playlist going when you're chilling in the pool, especially when you're alone... It's less awkward and depressing. Good music always lifts me up! I cycle through different genres depending on what I feel like that day! Sometimes I like to listen to 2012-2014 Tumblr artists like Grimes, Marina and the Diamonds, Sky Ferreira, etc. Sometimes, I feel like listening to mid 2000's electropop/electronic hipster shit like Neon Indian, MGMT, some Tame Impala. And other times, I like to listen to Goth/Rockabilly/Indie/Rock bands like The Scary Bitches, The Cramps, and April March. It all depends!!!

3. Fun Snacks

Link to the Article!

    Ideally, I would love some kind of fancy charcuterie board with dried salami, olives, pickles, cheese and crackers. Realistically, my snack plate ends up being whatever the fuck's lying around the house! I can make the most out of making sandwiches. What would be fucking cool, would be a "summerween" snack plate or charcuterie board! The serving utensils and platters could be neon and Halloween themed, while the food would be color coordinated and shaped into bats or skulls. That would be pretty siiickkk~!

Some Inspo!

4. Refreshing Drinks

    Ideally, one must drink a lot of water during the summertime. Liquid IV's, Gatorlyte's, or basic water enhancers are more enticing ways to stay hydrated, especially when you fix up with edible glitter! But let's say I hydrated before I jumped in and wanted a cute little drink. I am a fan of any kind of liquid, especially if it's sweet: Boba lattes, iced teas, matcha lattes, iced coffees, sparkling waters, energy drinks, mocktails, soda floats, you name it. I'll drink anything with a great presentation! Little umbrellas, stirrers, seashell shaped ice, fruit, bendy straws, I can go on!!! I have this pink pineapple shaped cup that lights up at the bottom, I like to use that one in the pool. I think I'll have an iced honey vanilla latte the next time I go out!

5. Bubbles

    I had recently acquired a bubble machine from my birthday and it has been sooooo much fun, very whimsy. It's a little cupcake shaped one from the dollar tree, lol! However, it was from the $5 section, so not really a dollar now, is it?? (¬_¬") Anyways, I'm glad I snagged a pink one as soon as I saw it! I went to the Dollar Tree yesterday and there were just a bunch of blue ones left! A blue one would have still been just as cute, but I'd rather have it in pink!! Since it was only $5, the bubbles being blown out are fairly decent!! Just imagine a big ol' bad boy bubble machine... You see, I want to be blasted by bubbles in the pool!! But I guess the little cupcake machine will do!

6. Reading Material

I have this issue ¬‿¬

    It's a bit difficult to keep reading material by the pool, especially if you read on a tablet. I did get a couple issues wet from the pool water and the bubble machine... But, it won't deter me from trying! I have had this specific Inked Girls magazine since 2012, I was 14 years old at the time!! LOL!! It's more "pin-up" than anything, very "tasteful photos". Artsy, if you will! I've been wanting to purchase another one from eBay for a while now. But I have a lot of other stuff like comics, fashion magazines, and horror magazines!! I do have enough to read through during my time in the pool, but I would love more fashion magazines like older Nylon, Vogue, or Elle. I'd like some Fruits magazines as well!!

7. Sunglasses

The Moody's Rainbow UNIF Sunglasses...

    I only realized this as I was trying to read a magazine while the sun was reflecting off of the pages... You need some cool sunglasses. I remember getting so many neat ones from Forever 21 on sale!! That would have been 14 years ago... I had so many, I wish I had kept them all, especially in good shape!! Stupid. These days, I just use what I got lying around! I haven't been on the hunt for any sunglasses as of late, due to my brokenness. I'd rather have a good pair that would last me, you know?

8. Floatie

 

    Ideally, if I had the funds, I would be getting a lounge float similar to these, especially the coffin shaped one!! That'd be so siiickckk~ We currently have a pink float that works just as well, so there are no complaints here. But if I had a choice... I would have both pink and black!! 

9. Mermaids

    Duh. DUHHH!!! I used to have a lot of Ariel dolls when I was little, as well as the Barbie Mermadia and Fairytopia dolls. I still have the Mermaidia movie!! Currently, I own the newest edition of Ariel, I have the human and mermaid version of her!! I put her away in the garage not too long ago, what the hell was I thinking?? I have to bust her out of the storage box I put her in, so that I can play with her in the water!! 

10. Mermaid Makeover

    You must become a mermaid yourself to enjoy the pool! This is something fun to do and take pictures of while you pretend in the pool!!! I have never considered this, as I always rush to catch the last hours of the day! But maybe I could get up earlier than usual to prepare for the pool (˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧ I have tons of glitter and pastel eyeshadow to play around in!! Unfortunately, I don't have any hair chalk or extensions to use; My hair isn't long enough for extensions anyways! I might have some glitter tattoos lying around. MIGHT!!! I do not have high hopes. Like I said, I have tons of glitter to use, so that must suffice!

    Well, now I gotta find something to swim in for tomorrow. Something that won't clash with my mermaid makeover... ( ,,⩌'︿'⩌,,) I should have some tank tops lying around. Anyways!! That would basically be my ideal pool day! I didn't list the obvious like towels or sunscreen, because that's a given and very boring to describe. Don't get burnt and put sunscreen on your ears!! Extra on your shoulders!! I should get up early and prepare all of my stuff, like an iced coffee and snacks.