Bad Dreams

    Lately, I've been having some pretty intense dreams. Some of them have been disturbing to say the least.

    A lot of them have been including some distant family members. In many of my dreams, they are very hostile and upset with me. I feel like they're trying to intimidate me. In other dreams, they are simply just having dinner with me or just hanging out.

    In one dream, I got in a car that was being controlled by someone close to me. The person wasn't driving, and I wasn't in control of the car. It was like they had a remote control and the car I was in was being controlled that way. The person with the remote control was making the car swerve and shake, causing me to be thrown around inside. The person didn't stop until I crashed and got hurt.

    Suddenly I'm back home and one of my siblings stops me. They're pointing at the floor exclaiming, "You're finger!" I looked at my right hand and my middle finger was missing, like it was cut off. I found the rest of my finger on the floor where my sibling was pointing. I picked up the finger and immediately tried putting my finger back together. This was when I went to the person "driving" the car, yelling at them, trying to show them what they did to me. They liked that I was in pain, they did not care about my feelings. They were basically like, "I'm not going to help you!" I eventually went to the hospital and noticed my finger gradually decaying and becoming more gruesome. I was then prepared for surgery. 

    That wasn't the first car crash dream I had; I had another dream where I was in an accident and my legs got really messed up. There were gashes and deep wounds, I could feel my flesh wanting to fall off the bone. I was wheelchair bound.

    The dream I had last night was another one about my family being hostile towards me again. I can't remember the details, but I eventually had to use the restroom. In my dream, I was looking for the bathroom. I tend to dream about using the toilet when I actually have to go pee. I went into some restroom after someone else and I looked at the toilet in shock. There was chunky orange vomit all over the seat and I was trying to clean it up. I eventually started gagging and that is what woke me up.

    I woke up gagging hard and my mouth was full of spit. The spit was coming out of my mouth and got all over my pillow. I moved my tongue around to make sure it wasn't actual vomit, because I honestly think I was going to throw up in my sleep.

That is also not the first dream I had about being in the restroom and something vile happens. Not too long ago, I had a dream where I needed to use the restroom and when I tried flushing the toilet, it flooded the stall with dirty toilet water and shit.

    I feel like people are out to get me because of these dreams. I have been isolating myself from people. I have been holding my boundaries. I'm sure I'm a villain in someone's story, but I don't care about that. If I seem that way because you refuse to have a conversation with me about it, so be it. I am not here to continue the cycle. I've been through some bullshit and I'm not going to live the rest of my life out in pain and misery. Besides that, what the hell have I done to warrant such hostility? Why do people want to hurt me? Why do they want to watch my life fall apart?

    I know this because there was some pretty heavy energy surrounding me last night. Things were fine until they weren't. I was like, "What the fuck did I even do?" I know it was just some manipulation tactic to put the blame back on me. I know who the real bad guy is, so in the meantime, I'm going to stay the fuck away. I have lit a black and white candle. I'm thinking about doing an egg cleanse. It's hard for me to keep my hopes up when I can't fully get away from the issue. Not yet, anyways.

    It's hard for me to work on my projects with so much hostility going on. I feel like I'm being forced back into survival mode. I feel like I can't do the things I need to do without seeming like a burden or a fuck-up. I feel a bit hopeless at the moment, but it will pass. It is my duty to persevere. I will not let myself down this time. I hope I make it.