4 of swords, 4 of cups...

 

    I was really looking forward to October this year, but this month fucking sucks!! I thought, after everything that happened during the summer, I'd get rewarded with a whole lot of fun during one of the most exciting months out of the year. I know that it is foolish of me to expect... I guess my healing journey wasn't done with me yet. For fucks sake.

    I'm exasperated at this point. I am tired of being alone with my mind. I get it, all I have to do is sit back and let it all happen. I am having trouble believing that good things will eventually come my way. And if I'm being honest with you, I'm tired of being other people's cheerleader while they pay me dust!! It gets to a point, really. Do I constantly have to be subjected to everyone's constant accumulation in success and adventures? Would they do the same for me once my success and adventures come in? Or am I more palatable when I'm at my lowest?

    I am very used to being a background character in everyone's life. I would wish a certain family member "happy birthday" every year with a post. I would listen to their problems and try to make them laugh. We grew up with each other, closer than any other family member at that point. But then one day, they looked at my skin and noticed that I had freckles. They also noticed a birthmark on my face and spat that it was a "mancha". We were in our mid 20's at that point. I still remember when they cut bangs as a kid and everyone in the family was losing their minds over. After all of this time, they barely noticed that I had freckles.

    I just want to be treated right, man. I had a horrible time growing up, why am I being treated like this? What kind of life is this? I am tired of constantly fighting and defending myself. This is bullshit!! There's nothing left for me here. There is no point in me being here. Everyone else gets to move one, so that means that I can too. If that means leaving everyone else behind, so be it.

I'm so scared of living my life in vain

I'm always always craving for better vibes

My hands are rough, my soul is heavy...

But they've always held me down

When my whole life was going south

    Anyways, I know the only way I can go is up. I am going to put myself first. No one has power over me anymore. The second I have a chance to get the fuck out of here, I will take it so fast. It is time for me to leave. DO YOU HEAR ME?!! I'm ready to go now!! I am here to receive!!! I am open to your promises!!! Let my manifestations come in now!! It is hard to believe, but "it's not faith if you're using your eyes".

    But yeah, this October sucks ass!! No fun at all! And I miss my grandpa. That was one of my ties that was severed, so I really do feel like there's nothing left for me anymore. There are only 6 days left until Halloween and I don't fucking give a shit. I am also not oblivious to the multiple atrocities happening during this time, in regards to politics and genocides. It's devastating out here. It's very hard to keep hope during these times.

    I guess I gotta live through this because "they'll" try to re-write history when I'm old and shriveled up. We are alive and experiencing fascism while Burger King sells orange hamburgers and college students are shamelessly using A.I.? Our "president" is tweeting (that in itself should be an ick right away) A.I. generated videos of him flying a plane and dropping shit on peaceful protesters. People are describing rape as "getting cracked"? An alarming large amount of people think indecent exposure is not sexual assault... And the kids can't fucking read or write.

    People have survived through worse conditions. I have to have hope so that I can succeed in my mission, if people deem it important enough to invest in. My mission in life is to keep people going. Art is very important to me and I won't let A.I. take that away. A.I. should stick to detecting early forms of cancer and manual labor. Fuck capitalism, and FUCK YOUU!!!!

    I'm currently listening to Crystal Castles and I'm getting just a little bit triggered, lol. I used to listen to Crystal Castles, Lana Del Rey, and Ayesha Erotica while I was actively cutting myself. I'm also on a weight loss journey and that has been triggering me as well. Because, while I was listening to those artists and actively cutting myself, I was also starving myself and running constantly. I lost a lot of weight like that. I heavily leaned into harmful coping mechanisms at that time, I wanted to destroy myself.

    Nothing will ever be the same again, and that's a damn good thing. It took me a long time to recover from that period of my life. I will not go back there. But I can try to listen to CC again and create different vibes from that. It's a bit harder to change the vibes compared to the other 2... 

    This has been me as of late... "Oh, I feel like fucking shit, I wonder why..." Why the fuck do they taste so goddamn good?? Typically, I only drink one a day and I try not to drink them often. I'll probably enter another dry spell after this, due to my current period of hedonistic indulgence. I haven't been feeling good, I know I have to cut myself off soon. I have to get shit done, you know? I need to drink water and eat better food. Brown rice, you bitch. Water.

    BUT! I have been drinking a LOT of tea as well. I love tea. I love coffee, but I haven't been liking it as of late, so when I want something warm late at night, I drink tea. Ever since I got fake sugar, I have been drinking tea back to back. Cinnamon Apple Spice, Chai lattes, Peppermint, Ginger Peach Turmeric, Earl Grey. I Love!!! Especially since I was sick for over a freaking week!! Who gets fucking sick in October?? I still have some leftover phlegm. Fucking stupid. This October blows!!!

    I was using this month as a crutch. Something to look forward to so that I can keep going! But October is basically over, and nothing fucking happened!!! Now what the fuck am I going to look forward to?? Winter??? The bleak, hollow, cold air of another lonely winter solstice??? Without my grandfather?!?! Give me my blessings, give me my blessings, give me my blessings or else the cold will take me. Where are all the warm lights? A hot porcelain cup in my hands? The caress of sweet words against cold ears? The inviting presence of a lit window, while I tread through a relentless snowstorm? My ten of cups, my six of pentacles, my four of Wands, my six of swords???

    I know that if I have to ask, it will not come. Listen to Hayley's words, you fool! Be the actual Fool! The hanged man! The alchemist! It's hard to believe... You're gonna feel like a real idiot when it all comes in. I don't want to be a good dog anymore.

It's not faith if you use your eyes.

 

It's October Poo Poo Head

 

    I meant to post on the very first day of October but I was so freaking tired, I crashed as soon as I got home from my little cousin's birthday party. So, Happy Belated First Day of October!! I have a lot of things to catch up on.

    I bought some Torani syrups so that I can start making my own coffee at home! I had got the Pumpkin Pie syrup, so I decided to pick up a mocha and raspberry flavor. I like using the Nescafe Gold instant espresso mix for some of my lattes, but I've been enjoying making cold foam as of late. I like to make a chocolate raspberry cold foam for my iced coffee, it tastes like those chocolates you can get at the dollar store, lol! Plus, the foam is pink! <333

My Dollar Tree guilty pleasure...

    I was baking for a bit, the last thing I made were cobweb brownies! I made them hella fucking thick, they were awesome. The marshmallows were hard to maneuver, I think it was because I used big marshmallows instead of smaller ones. They came out nice anyways and they tasted just as good! Better looking than my cookies...

    I really want to make some cake pops! There are so many different ideas for cake pops, I have to decide which ones to make. What I really want are some 3D ice molds, particularly in the shape of brains and hearts. I saw that people make gelatin jars with them. So sick. I'd settle for a brain mold as well! I also would love to make cinnamon roll guts. Those look gnarly.

    I got another bleeding candle, this time in the shape of a skull! I had to light it right away. It looked pretty cool while melting, as the blood is supposed to come out of the skulls eyes. Blood also started to leak out of a hole on the side of the skulls head due to the heat! Bullet. Wound. I melted all of the red wax out of the candle, so there is an abyss inside the skull; I just placed another candle inside! I figure the skull (which I melted on top of a white plate) would look neat with a bunch of other candles melting around it. I could start a candle drip plate for sure.

    If you'd noticed, I also got a nice pumpkin shaped mug for $1.25! We have these giant pumpkin mugs that we had gotten from Rite Aid years ago, but I don't know if we still have them :/ They would have been relics. However, with my new cup, I love the shape a lot better. It's a pretty decent size, you can fit 10 ounces of coffee in it, with enough room for creamer. I love how the bottom is thick and thinner at the rim. It's so charming, it makes me excited for Fall! I have been drinking plenty of pumpkin spice lattes and cinnamon apple spice tea out of it :) As well as Hot Chocolate!!

    I came across this cauldron hot chocolate bomb while shopping and I couldn't resist! It was pretty hard to melt and stir into the hot milk, but it tasted incredible in the end! I used to love hot chocolate with huge marshmallows, but I don't drink them as much any more. Too sweet! I have to mention that I don't like to consume as much sweets as I used to :( I bake just to take pictures and share them with my family. Unless I'm menstruating, I have a short leash on myself. It's just no good for me no more.

    Now, I know I just mentioned that I try to limit myself around sweets... However, I am currently menstruating, so there! I just need to eat, man. And I love Dunkin. God, do I love Dunkin. I have never been inside a Dunkin Donuts before this past Tuesday. Can you believe that? I'm used to going through the drive through and fucking right off. It was aight, lol. I got a PSL (Obviously, bitch), a donut (my uterus made me), an egg and sausage on a sourdough muffin, and loaded hashbrowns. Before you say anything, I KNOW!!! I ATE IT ALL!!! AND I'D DO IT AGAIN!!! I bled so hard for it, man, I earned it.

    After that, my mother and I headed over to Home Goods, Five Below, and Daiso. I ended up bringing home a cute vintage-halloween-looking gatito with a little orange party hat. I think it's a sugar jar because of the ceramic spoon that hangs off of it? It's more for decoration, but I'll probably use it when I get my own place. There were some really cute vampire cups and salt shakers that I would've taken home if I had money to blow. I don't need it...

    At Five Below, I picked up a Baby Fuggler, which I turned into a bag charm. He matches my rag doll!! I got a Halloween Kuromi "Tsunameez" (didn't know they were called that) keychain and a Linkin Park poster. I don't have anywhere to put it, unfortunately. I have to save it I guess. We went to Daiso to get some little gifts for my cousin's 14th birthday! She loves cute things like I do, so I had to make her a goody bag. I didn't go too overboard because I told her and her mom to stop by. I don't want to take away the whole experience, you know? I know she'll enjoy going through the store like I do!! Her party was small and cute, she had a Monster High themed party. We made our own cupcakes, it was cute.

I made these :3

    And I did eat a lot of cupcakes. You know why. And yes, I did feel sick afterwards. I think I satisfied my sweet tooth for the next couple of weeks, or until the next cycle. I'd rather consume my sugar through an iced coffee. Anyways, she liked the gifts we got her! Especially the birthday card in the shape of a cake! She had fun sorting through all of her things and decorating her phone with the stickers. <333

    I have also managed to wake up early today. I don't want to jinx anything... I'm quite proud of myself so far... I want to wake up early again and go for a jog. I want to go to the gym as soon as I'm able to lift some weights. I have nothing, man. I am weak!! Anyways, I got up, made myself an iced coffee, got ready and went to the park. The Cotton Parade/Festival (We have a cotton manufacturer here, it's our "big thing") is this Saturday, so they have already started to put up some stuff.

    I'll probably go see the parade, I do not want to see anyone at the festival afterwards. Boo. Small "town" things. I went for a walk through the park and took some photos. I wanted to take some more, but there was a free lunch going on. I don't know what it was for, but it seemed like elderly people were showing up? I didn't want to intrude. So I went to the emergency aid and finding THIS!

    I'm too lazy to take my own pics right now, lmao. Mine is in much better condition, believe it or not! Very decent condition and only for $5!! I can finally read the trilogy all the way through!! I've been on the hunt for all of the books, second-hand only! I got pretty lucky, must've been my instinct. Since it's October, the thrift has a BUNCH of young adult vampire novels out! And I mean ALL of them, whatever you would've wanted to read in middle school, it was there.

There were even more, I didn't get a chance to photograph them!

    I found 2 tops while I was there; A velvet, blue, paisley long-sleeve and a satin, leopard print cami. Lucky day, eh? I grabbed a PSL on the way home and stopped by the park I usually jog through at night for the rest of my pictures. They came out better on my phone then on my digital camera, lol. I went home afterwards and have been editing since! It's been a pretty productive day so far, I just hope I'm able to do it again. I don't want to be a failure any more. lol. I really want to get back to my art. I've been distracted.

    Tomorrow's my brother's birthday, so we're going out to eat to celebrate. We'll probably go to the mall afterwards. I'm gonna post my pics from earlier, Blessed Be!