The Hanged Man

 

    Hopelessness is a very terrible thing to get lost in. I must apologize for all of my spiraling, it almost seems like that's all I'm good for. I just needed a moment! The feeling went through me, now I'm all better. Until the holidays, lol. Please, help me.

    I am redirecting this energy into creating a new reality, one in which I am confident in my abilities. A reality in which I am no longer ruled by fear. I must admit, I suffer greatly from impostor syndrome. I fear the expectations of others. I dread being in a perpetual state of performing for others. I feel like I have to create the ultimate version of myself, one that I can present to the public all squeaky and clean. It sounds exhausting to me, the life of a "content creator".

    I feel like I don't have anything to show for my own existence. Why create an online presence if you don't have an impressive body of work to show? What did you do to deserve an audience? I feel like I am not exactly how I want to be yet, the person that I see in my head. I guess I haven't realized that I am exactly where I need to be yet. The far off vision you see in your head is already here. It's here right now. Everything will fall into place once you have accepted it.

    Everything coincides with each other. I just have to accept it. I just have to leave shame. I do not like to be unprepared. I do not like to present something that is not "ready" yet. It has to be "perfect". But nothing is ever "perfect", is it? Even if I did achieve all of the goals and high standards that I forced upon myself, it would never be "perfect". Because nothing ever is. I am already the person that I see in my head, I will look like the person that I see in my head. It is coming, I just have to let go of my fear and shame. It will come, everything will come, if you just stop being a little bitch!!

    I have heard the phrase "seeing things from a new perspective" over and over again, but I've never really ruminated on it. I guess this is the change in thinking I was supposed to be making a long time ago. I hadn't brought the future to the present yet. If you continue to think of things so far off, it will never come to you. Action is required. Just because something isn't here yet, doesn't mean that it won't happen, nor will it not come. The time will pass anyways, whether you wait or not. This is inevitable, I was just a stubborn fool.

    I do not know what will happen next and that gives me anxiety. If I am able to handle the "pressure", then what is mine will always be mine. Goodness, I am aware of how delusional I sound. I've often seen how this kind of delusion bleeds into psychosis. Not that I'm diagnosing myself, I just want to be self-aware. Everything will move at the pace it needs to be. I hope that I become addicted to the results of my efforts, so that I may learn discipline. I hope my brain and my body can keep up with my dreams. I don't want to fail myself anymore.

    With that being said, I finally finished an illustration that I originally started 6 weeks ago. It sounds simple, right? Illustrate your fursona, it will be fun! WRONG! There was nothing but mental anguish and torment that trapped me in a prison of my own creation. No action, just overthinking. Granted, I did get sick with the flu for a whole fucking week. I also have an awful habit of letting my emotions control me. By doing so, I am victimizing myself, infantalizing myself even. I am so easily giving away my power. That is something I need to work on. I feel things very deeply, it is a curse and a blessing. I know violence and I know mercy.

    Geez, if it took me 6 weeks to do a single illustration, how the fuck am I gonna do this for the rest of my life?!?! You see my dilemma? I'm glad I got over that hump. There's no more time for bullshit, I gotta fucking focus. Get over yourself, dude. Stop being so stupid. Channel those feelings into something tangible. Redirect that energy into something useful, entertaining. Get to work! DEATH IS COMING FOR YOU!! My time here is limited, unfortunately. I do want to enjoy living my life and make my dreams a reality before I fucking die. So, I'm gonna do my best with what I got. I am the alchemist, the magician.

    I feel even more hopeful than I did a month ago. I feel more hopeful than I did a year ago. I am even more hopeful than I was 2 years ago. I am a lot more confident than I was 5 years ago, transferring to a university, hoping to have found all of the answers to my prayers. I thought I would find the secret to my own success, the meaning to my own life, by taking classes and speaking with instructors. I needed guidance and I didn't get it there. I was very, very lost and I ached for a more fulfilling life. Now, I feel found. I will have that fulfilling life, I grab it! I claim it! It is just me and me now.

    Anyways, here are the illustrations I did of my fursona. I tried a realistic style out to see if I liked it, but I'm gonna have to work on a more stylized version of it. It looks pretty cool, it's just not what I want. Blessed Be.

With My Chibi-sona

Without My Chibi-sona

Just My Chibi-sona

4 of swords, 4 of cups...

 

    I was really looking forward to October this year, but this month fucking sucks!! I thought, after everything that happened during the summer, I'd get rewarded with a whole lot of fun during one of the most exciting months out of the year. I know that it is foolish of me to expect... I guess my healing journey wasn't done with me yet. For fucks sake.

    I'm exasperated at this point. I am tired of being alone with my mind. I get it, all I have to do is sit back and let it all happen. I am having trouble believing that good things will eventually come my way. And if I'm being honest with you, I'm tired of being other people's cheerleader while they pay me dust!! It gets to a point, really. Do I constantly have to be subjected to everyone's constant accumulation in success and adventures? Would they do the same for me once my success and adventures come in? Or am I more palatable when I'm at my lowest?

    I am very used to being a background character in everyone's life. I would wish a certain family member "happy birthday" every year with a post. I would listen to their problems and try to make them laugh. We grew up with each other, closer than any other family member at that point. But then one day, they looked at my skin and noticed that I had freckles. They also noticed a birthmark on my face and spat that it was a "mancha". We were in our mid 20's at that point. I still remember when they cut bangs as a kid and everyone in the family was losing their minds over. After all of this time, they barely noticed that I had freckles.

    I just want to be treated right, man. I had a horrible time growing up, why am I being treated like this? What kind of life is this? I am tired of constantly fighting and defending myself. This is bullshit!! There's nothing left for me here. There is no point in me being here. Everyone else gets to move one, so that means that I can too. If that means leaving everyone else behind, so be it.

I'm so scared of living my life in vain

I'm always always craving for better vibes

My hands are rough, my soul is heavy...

But they've always held me down

When my whole life was going south

    Anyways, I know the only way I can go is up. I am going to put myself first. No one has power over me anymore. The second I have a chance to get the fuck out of here, I will take it so fast. It is time for me to leave. DO YOU HEAR ME?!! I'm ready to go now!! I am here to receive!!! I am open to your promises!!! Let my manifestations come in now!! It is hard to believe, but "it's not faith if you're using your eyes".

    But yeah, this October sucks ass!! No fun at all! And I miss my grandpa. That was one of my ties that was severed, so I really do feel like there's nothing left for me anymore. There are only 6 days left until Halloween and I don't fucking give a shit. I am also not oblivious to the multiple atrocities happening during this time, in regards to politics and genocides. It's devastating out here. It's very hard to keep hope during these times.

    I guess I gotta live through this because "they'll" try to re-write history when I'm old and shriveled up. We are alive and experiencing fascism while Burger King sells orange hamburgers and college students are shamelessly using A.I.? Our "president" is tweeting (that in itself should be an ick right away) A.I. generated videos of him flying a plane and dropping shit on peaceful protesters. People are describing rape as "getting cracked"? An alarming large amount of people think indecent exposure is not sexual assault... And the kids can't fucking read or write.

    People have survived through worse conditions. I have to have hope so that I can succeed in my mission, if people deem it important enough to invest in. My mission in life is to keep people going. Art is very important to me and I won't let A.I. take that away. A.I. should stick to detecting early forms of cancer and manual labor. Fuck capitalism, and FUCK YOUU!!!!

    I'm currently listening to Crystal Castles and I'm getting just a little bit triggered, lol. I used to listen to Crystal Castles, Lana Del Rey, and Ayesha Erotica while I was actively cutting myself. I'm also on a weight loss journey and that has been triggering me as well. Because, while I was listening to those artists and actively cutting myself, I was also starving myself and running constantly. I lost a lot of weight like that. I heavily leaned into harmful coping mechanisms at that time, I wanted to destroy myself.

    Nothing will ever be the same again, and that's a damn good thing. It took me a long time to recover from that period of my life. I will not go back there. But I can try to listen to CC again and create different vibes from that. It's a bit harder to change the vibes compared to the other 2... 

    This has been me as of late... "Oh, I feel like fucking shit, I wonder why..." Why the fuck do they taste so goddamn good?? Typically, I only drink one a day and I try not to drink them often. I'll probably enter another dry spell after this, due to my current period of hedonistic indulgence. I haven't been feeling good, I know I have to cut myself off soon. I have to get shit done, you know? I need to drink water and eat better food. Brown rice, you bitch. Water.

    BUT! I have been drinking a LOT of tea as well. I love tea. I love coffee, but I haven't been liking it as of late, so when I want something warm late at night, I drink tea. Ever since I got fake sugar, I have been drinking tea back to back. Cinnamon Apple Spice, Chai lattes, Peppermint, Ginger Peach Turmeric, Earl Grey. I Love!!! Especially since I was sick for over a freaking week!! Who gets fucking sick in October?? I still have some leftover phlegm. Fucking stupid. This October blows!!!

    I was using this month as a crutch. Something to look forward to so that I can keep going! But October is basically over, and nothing fucking happened!!! Now what the fuck am I going to look forward to?? Winter??? The bleak, hollow, cold air of another lonely winter solstice??? Without my grandfather?!?! Give me my blessings, give me my blessings, give me my blessings or else the cold will take me. Where are all the warm lights? A hot porcelain cup in my hands? The caress of sweet words against cold ears? The inviting presence of a lit window, while I tread through a relentless snowstorm? My ten of cups, my six of pentacles, my four of Wands, my six of swords???

    I know that if I have to ask, it will not come. Listen to Hayley's words, you fool! Be the actual Fool! The hanged man! The alchemist! It's hard to believe... You're gonna feel like a real idiot when it all comes in. I don't want to be a good dog anymore.