Wow, we are more than halfway through June! I made a lot of posts during the month of May, over 70 I believe? I don't think the next couple of months are gonna be as jam-packed as May was :( Which is fine, because I'll be dealing with a lot of personal things in the future.
Currently, I feel hopeful. I've been under a lot of stress as of late, so I'm trying to regain my composure. I need to restore some balance in my life. I was shopping a lot and eating a lot, all to soak up the pain and turmoil that I was dealing with. I started to slow down as of late, especially after I weighed myself :/ So, I'm holding myself accountable! I am responsible for my own health. I need to show up for myself now.
I've been watching what I eat as of late. When all of this stuff started happening, I would get the big ass coffees from Dunkin' and down them. I also love sweets, so I indulged in those as well. Also junk food. I was so stressed, I didn't care. I let myself go just a bit.
I've done that before when my grandmother passed away. My life went completely off the rails after she died. I let myself completely go! It has taken me over 5 years just to get my damn head on right, and even then, I still have some issues. This time is going to be different because I am not getting any younger. My life starts right now, despite all of the things going on in my life and around me.
Once everything is done, I am going to completely throw myself into my art. I am going to start posting more of my art, as well as myself, online. I've had a graphic novel I've been planning on creating since I was 14 years old. That was 13 years ago. I've been waiting for the perfect time to strike, and the time is now. I haven't drawn anything in over 3 weeks. I had put a pin in the current comic I was working on. I've been wanting to upload sped-up "get-ready-with-me"'s onto TikTok for a while (Despite my better judgement). I have wasted too much time being afraid of being perceived.
Those are my plans, they have been written in stone. I am the alchemist, remember? The fucking magician. Creating something out of nothing. I've spent all of this time building the arc because the flood is coming. Everyone thinks my attempts (or lack thereof) are done in vain, but they don't know it's going to rain. I've known it was going to rain for a very long time now, there's no excuse for being unprepared. You stay ready, you don't have to get ready, right? So I'm just trying to get ready.
Anyways, I've done a lot of things the past couple of weeks. My mother bought a cute little pool to set up in my grandfather's backyard. It's been so lovely because his backyard is surrounded by trees and greenery. He has a huge palm tree growing, so it creates a nice shade for the pool to be under. It was so nice to just lay and float in it while some music plays. The water feels so good when you've been running around in 100 degree weather.
The pool was a hit for my younger cousins! Even though the pool is so small, these 6'-5' foot teenagers managed to get fully submerged under the water! We also have a mermaid tail sprinkler :) It's so cute! I'll have to make a separate post about the pool itself, lol! My other cousin came down from L.A. this past Saturday and we got in the pool with my younger cousin during the night. We were talking about middle school with my younger cousins, she's so funny XD
Earlier, I sat by the pool with my feet in the water while I had a quick smoke. Smoking is bad!!! I only smoke once every 3 weeks, sporadically, lol. I think I went like 3 or 4 years without having a single smoke? I know if I didn't stop, I probably would have developed a nasty habit by now. Don't smoke!!!
The roses in my front yard have grown back again :) I took the liberty of picking some for my mother and myself. Might as well have them in the house while they bloom, you know? And they smell so good. They're a beautiful vibrant pink, perfect shade for summer. I've been wanting to get an Arizona Tea to use as a vase for the roses, but no such luck! I want the plastic bottles, but I've only come across the cans so far! I gotta check the dollar store...
Summer Vibes :)
I guess I can use the cans as well! I don't like to drink the teas because of how much sugar is in each drink. I think the can is like 2 servings? Way too much sugar for me, as trivial as it sounds. I don't want to waste tea, but I think I could get one of my brothers to drink them, lol!! Or pour in into a container and put it in the fridge as I drink a serving a day... So complicated just to replicate a silly little moodboard pic!
I recently went to Daiso last Saturday! I grabbed a couple of things, I'll have to post a collective haul soon. One of the things I got was a Poppin' Cookin' set! I brought it to my grampa's so that I could make it with my little cousin :) I let her take full control because I enjoyed watching her figure it out and make it. I was able to make one! It was a waffle kit, so she made 2 waffles and I made 1 chocolate waffle! They ended up looking so cute! They tasted pretty good, albeit very artificial! My cousin was so surprised to learn that we could eat it! XD
Tomorrow, I'm gonna get my nails done with my mother :) I had gotten them done almost 3 weeks ago, so I think it's time for another round. It had been quite a while since I got them done, so it was nice to have my fingers and toes the same color! I'll make a separate post for that as well! Right now, they're a really cool shade of blue-purple! You don't usually see that kind of color around, or at least I don't! It reminds my of The Birthday Massacre :) I love this color so much, I'm really hesitant to change it! But I think I'll go for a metallic or shimmer in the same shade.
We also want to hit up the thrift store while we're out there! Not without our coffee, of course! I think I might want a strawberry matcha though... I don't usually get matcha lattes over coffee, but I think I'll make an exception for a strawberry matcha... I'm on the lookout for purple and blue tops, specifically tank tops or more summery tops. I've been so obsessed with Cleo Lovedrop's look from Wet Moon! I usually don't care for blue, but she makes it look so goth and cool!
I went to Micheal's and grabbed a small tube of blue fabric paint that matches Cleo's blue! I have a black tank top that I'm going to paint a blue moon onto :) One step at a time! I also have a purple tank top that I'm planning on sewing a patch onto! I only have to decide which patch to sew... Anyways, I'm gonna scour the thrift for some new pieces, and possibly some dresses. Definitely the books and CD's!
My brothers want to go out as well, so I will be on the lookout that day as well. I'm also looking for some nice white babydoll tops or tanks. I don't have any! Which is surprising... Or not, I'm goth, about 75% of my wardrobe is black! There's another goth challenge that I found while looking though The Ultimate Goth Guide archived blog. I would like to start it in July, but I don't know how things are going to work out. We'll see, if not, August for sure.
I've spoken before about the current nostalgia kick that I've been on: My Chemical Romance is touring again, Scene is popular again, A Final Destination film was just released... And the fucking Black Dagger Brotherhood has a series currently streaming on Passionflix as of June 5, 2025. What the fuck is going on???
Dark Lover (2005) is the first installment of The Black Dagger Brotherhood book series written by J.R. Ward. It is also one of the first ever porno books I read when I was about 11 years old. I know that sounds pretty awful, but let me explain!
I love vampires. I was a huge bookworm as a kid. I read books like a mother fucker. Anything to take the pain away, a distraction from reality. I have always loved horror and the supernatural. I grew up watching The Crow, Queen of the Damned, Blade, and The Craft. I loved watching shows like Weird Travels and Lost Tapes! So, it would make sense for me, having just read the Gemma Doyle trilogy, to read other supernatural/horror books available to me.
The Weird Travels opening always freaked me out as a kid!
My Tia gave my mom, maybe like 4 books to read. My mom used to be a heavy reader in her youth as well. However, she had a very time-consuming job and a lot of responsibilities to handle, so she never got to read them. Cue 11-year-old me coming in, grabbing a book called The Heart of Dixie by Tami Hoag, and bringing it to school to read for silent reading time. You can believe the shock I experienced when Jake started kissing on Dixie and massaging her breasts... I stopped reading the book immediately, feeling like I would get in so much fucking trouble if my teacher found out I was reading a naughty book in class!
I didn't finish the book... Until I got home, lol. That began my descent into smut, especially fanfic and yaoi... Those were the days of unsupervised internet access on the computer! Of course, now as an adult, I see how damaging that experience was for a kid like me. I grew up way too fast, in many ways. I knew a lot about things a normal 11 year old shouldn't know at that age; I even remember reading these books and not understanding what many of the words and descriptions meant. I didn't even know you could get pregnant by intercourse!
I also look back on those times with mixed emotions, as I was simultaneously experiencing some of the worst times of my life, as well as the most creative period of my life. I was severely dissociative in my youth. All of my life, I had felt like a ghost floating outside of my own body. I felt like I was piloting my body like a giant mech. I wasn't living my life, I was watching myself out of my own body trying to survive.
I had also developed a deep-seeded hatred within myself that made it hard for me to be present in reality. I was so disgusted with myself that I never believed that I could experience the romance I was reading in those books. Granted, those people were sucking and fucking, something I wouldn't have been doing anyways as a fat, middle school scene kid. I just felt like I wasn't good enough, pretty enough to be in a relationship or desired (not in a sexual way).
One of the most damaging ways I had coped with my reality was the maladaptive daydreaming. That obviously didn't help with the dissociation. I retreated further into myself, into a world in which I wasn't fat and ugly. In the world inside my head, I was a vampire. I was desired by a beautiful emo boy and I had a lot of friends who loved me. I was also the lead singer of a rock band. Sometimes, I even imagined myself as a boy being in love with another boy. Imagining myself as a boy validated parts of my personality, the parts that weren't happy with how girls were treated and portrayed in the media. I wanted to be dominant. I wanted to be funny. I wanted to be seen how boys were seen.
I was able to shift into this world through music. Ever since I was taught how to use LimeWire, burn CD's, and sync music files onto my iPod, I listened to music every day, as much as I could. I believe that's what solidified my insomnia. At night, everyone was asleep and I was alone. I finally had the time and space to put my earphones on and transport myself into this world. A world in which nothing hurt and I was always happy. Music did so much for me, but the maladaptive daydreaming, insomnia, and dissociation ruined my sense of self. I was dead in almost every way, a walking corpse, a worm body. I was never there.
The media I consumed transported me into a world inside my head that I was able to make tangible with my developing skill. Whatever daydream I had ended up turning into characters separate from myself. The scenarios in my head turned into comics and chapters of a book I was planning to make into a series. I would create blogs and DeviantArt pages where I would express my thoughts, feelings, and share my writings and art. I had no life; No partners, no sports, no after school activities, a lot of my "friends" treated me like shit. Who pants someone in the middle of a field during the mile while a bunch of cars pass by? Who grabs someone's belly fat, shakes it, and laughs when your voice wavers as your stomach gets jiggled?
As a result of my own isolation, I had plenty of time to develop my skills as an artist and a writer. I don't mean to brag, but I worked my ass off. I made so many sacrifices in my past to be good at what I do. I'm a fast and devoted learner. I am good, goddammit, so help me. I have to be, or all of the pain and suffering would've been in vain. I am still learning, I will still learn, I will never be done until the day I die. That is my one and true passion.
I wrap up this tangent to credit Dark Lover as one of the books that had inspired me to create some of my most prolific work. Prolific to me, in my world, of course. I only ever read the first book, sorry to disappoint. But that one book did so much irreparable influence to my work, it's fucking insane. Just one book! I wrote almost 20,000 words for a book that will never be finished! That's around 55 pages not double-spaced!!! I wrote another 7,000 words for a smut with plot that will never be finished, also influenced by Dark Lover. I even named a character after Rhage!!! Do you know how gagged I was to find out about the 2025 Passionflix series?!?!? Like, what the actual fuck is going on?!?! Do you think this is a fucking joke?!?! Cause I'm not laughing, bitch!
This character was directly inspired by Dark Lover. He's a vampire assassin that kills demons... I drew this as a freshman in high school 13 years ago...
I must tell you about this omen... This sign from beyond the veil... I thrifted these books March 19 of this year...
OH COME ON?!? What do you mean I was able to find these books at the thrift store?! The same series that inspired me to write books in the first place? What the fuck are you talking about?!?! I even found the insider's guide when I went back to see if I could find any more books from the series. WHat. The. Fuck. I saw them sitting on the shelf at Good Will and couldn't believe my eyes! I grabbed them immediately, even though I don't think anyone would ever take them from me, lol. I would totally collect the series out of pure nostalgia! These are hard cover books as well, such a fucking score!! The ancient texts, ahh!!!
I don't know what that means for me... I am inspired to create more than ever, that's for sure. I suddenly have the will to live... lol!! First the Vampire Chronicles, now this?? My Chemical Romance, Nosferatu, Sinners... Vampires are so fucking back, bitch. I've never felt so excited to be alive!!! It's like I'm a teen again, staying up late just to read/draw porn and write!
I can watch the series through my mom's Amazon Prime... However, there's just one episode out... I know I can also watch Interview with the Vampire... 2 seasons are already out... I'm waiting to watch IWTV with someone... And I think I'll wait to watch Dark Lover when the first season is completed... Vampire marathon bitch!!
Anyways, I thought I'd share my experience with the Black Dagger Brotherhood as the new series premiers. It's so crazy how the things from my youth are showing up again, coming full circle. I think the stars are aligning for me. To do what, I don't know. I'm gonna leave the post with a chunk of smut I wrote in class when I was 15. My friend clocked me so hard, she was like "Are you writing porn right now?".... Yes. Yes I am. All thanks to Dark Lover and the many other vampire and/or porno books I read (heart hands). Oh, and I almost forgot to mention: They are both dudes and they are both vampires. Very original!!
“Here’s your water.”
My vision comes into contact with his illuminating eyes and they take my breath away. My hand unconsciously reaches up and grabs the glass in front of me.
“Thanks.” My voice was barely audible.
Moses smirks and sits down next to me. He’s so close, I could choke on my water. I turn back to the forest to avoid eye contact with him, drinking my water.
“Jared.” His voice was a low murmur.
My head snaps towards his sudden voice and I stop breathing. His nose is inches away from mine. My heart picks up again, causing my head to throb, and the heat rises to my face. The tension was so unbearable, I wanted the heat to consume me. Oh, his features... So provoking. his lids were half closed, lashes almost covering his eyes, lips slightly parted.
“You have a little water on your chin.”
His hand rises to my face, forefinger gently resting on my cheek while his thumb brushes the water from my chin. His thumb brushes over my bottom lip and over the corner of my mouth. His touch left tingling sensations. I craved for his touch. I was so phased, the cup slipped out of my hand.
“Shit.” The trance was broken. “I’m so sorry,” I stuttered while trying to pick up the cup,”I’m fucking clumsy...”
“It’s okay, let me take care of it.”
As soon as his hand touched mine, my fingers retracted, letting the cup fall once again.
“Goddammit...”
This time, he picked it up.
“I’ll be back with a towel.” Says Moses as he moves from the couch.
Nice fucking move, Jared. Why am I even here? I mother fucking forgot. I can’t remember anything when I’m around him.
Feeling utterly stupid and embarrassed, I get up to leave. I turn quickly, looking at the ground, not even noticing Moses with the towel. Our chests hit, sending a bolt of lust throughout my body. I don’t know why I don’t move, but Moses isn’t moving away either. I look up at his face to apologize, only to be taken aback by those eyes. Immediately, I’m mesmerized. His deep red eyes were looking into mine. I don’t realize that my lids are growing heavy and that my mouth is opening, inviting the presence of his tongue. I blink slowly.
As quick as my sudden impulse to leave, I use both my hands to bring his face down to mine. His mouth was perfect. I’ve never tasted anything so good.
I breathe in, pressing my lips harder against his. His taste was so dark and rich, so impossible to get enough. With no hesitation, I turn my head and hear our lips smack. I’m aroused at the sound, excitement fills my lower body. As his hands grab my hips, I inhale deeply, loving the scent of him. His long fingers massage them, making me tremble beneath, as if he were touching my bare skin. He suddenly tugs my hips against his, causing me to open my mouth more and whimper.
“Oh fuck.” He slowly whispers against my mouth. “Do that again.”
This time, his hand travels to my ass. He squeezes, then thrusts. I moan loudly, head falling back, taking in shallow, shaky breaths. My temples throb.
“Your voice,” Moses says breathlessly,”I love your voice.”
He began sucking on my neck, tongue flicking lightly at my skin. At this point, his touch burned my skin. One of his hands travel up my back to tangle into my hair. He tightens his grip as his mouth traveled back to mine. I was too preoccupied to notice that my hands were scrunched in his hair. He pushes me until we hit something, and as I press against it, his hips move harder against mine. Everything below me was strained.
“Moses.” I pleaded, gasping at the his movements against my hips. I tighten my grip in his hair.
“Tell me.” He growls.
He pulls my bottom lip with his teeth. My eyes roll back under closed lids.
“More.”
A loud growl of satisfaction fills the room. We were just about to crash into the couch when the door slammed open.
We are both startled as we trip onto the couch. I roll off of it and land on the floor with a thud, hand landing in the area of soaked carpet.
So, this film review is pretty fucking late! I watched this movie a little over 2 weeks ago... Life has taken an unexpected turn and I'm trying to keep up with everything. I can't let myself lose what little structure I have left. Talking about the things that I love, and still doing the things I enjoy, helps me stay grounded in reality. With that being said, here is my film review for Final Destinations; Bloodlines :)
I enjoy the original film series! I enjoy the campiness of some of the films and I don't hold any "high" expectations for any of them. It's been long enough to look back on the past releases fondly, as I accept them for what they are; Products of each release date. So, when this film was announced and the trailer premiered, I was so ready for some crazy shit!
I had some extra money come into my possession, and I knew I wouldn't be able to see the film on its premiere date. I wasn't going to wait for my family to make any plans to see the film, so I took it up on myself to watch the movie on my own! I've watched 3 other movies on my own: The Nun II, Lisa Frankenstein (In an empty theater during Valentines Day), and Nosferatu Christmas Morning! Watching horror films in theaters by myself is probably one of my most favorite things to do!
I woke up early, telling no one about my secret escapade, and drove to Dunkin' Donuts for their $6 meal. I was able to eat it before entering the theater that's attached to the mall, my favorite crappy theater (I've watched every film there). The trailers started at 9:00 AM and I was sitting behind the only people in attendance, a couple. I went into the showroom so hyped!
I'll admit, I've been enjoying the nostalgia that's been happening as of late. Not the Disney cash grabs, that's for sure! My Chemical Romance is touring again, Scene is back, a new Final Destination film came out, and I'm finally old enough to fully enjoy the hype! That's why I was so excited to watch this film in theaters!
I was shaking in my seat, like I was getting ready to ride a roller coaster. Granted, I was expecting some stupid crazy shit to happen while early 2000's nu metal played in the background, but it's 2025 and there's no reason for Ill Niño or Deftones to make it onto the soundtrack. That's what unfortunately lost points from me; After the cheesy, cornball shit from the early 2000's, horror has been trying to take itself more seriously. While I appreciate that, I still yearn for the campiness that came from that era. I mean, Malignant and Abigail are some current examples, but I wanted it specifically from the Final Destination franchise. It's all of the film reviewerr's fault for riding the franchise so hard.
Let's talk about that intro. It was probably the best part about the whole film, my favorite moment in fact. I have to watch the entire series over again to decide which one has the best intro, as well as which film holds my top 3. But man, that intro. It's pretty far up there, for sure!
The modern filming of the movie kind of takes you out of the era it's supposed to occur in. There's a lot of CGI, but the film can't help that. It would be damn impossible to get all of the shots and SFX's. The couple we are introduced to are very charming and you feel bad for them when all of the shit goes down. The song that plays in the background, "Shout" by The Isley Brothers, is so catchy and deceiving! It was the perfect disguise for the impending doom that would soon occur.
When it happened, my jaw dropped the whole time! It was complete and utter chaos and I loved it! You almost hate to see some of the characters die, lol! Except that one kid, lmao! The film got 1 point just for the child death! He had it coming, asshole!! There was a fire stunt done by Yvette Ferguson that set a world record for the oldest person to be immolated on film! She was on fire for a fat-ass minute too, lol. No one was spared!
Stefani Reyes was our main protagonist for the film; She wasn't bad in the film at all, in fact, she played her part very well. She kind of lacked a bit of substance and didn't have as much personality as Devon Sawa's character. But, I can't complain, she had one job to do and she did it well.
The film was very self-aware, we didn't have to sit through the rules all over again. The movie got straight to the point, no bullshit!! She quickly deduced that she was having visions about her grandma Iris dying, so she began to search for more answers. Stefani goes home and visits her uncle Howard to learn about her estranged grandmother. We learn that Stefani's mom left her family, and that her mom and uncle were living in a chaotic environment with her grandma Iris in their youth. Her uncle forbids contact with her grandmother, but her Aunt Brenda (Fun fact, my real name is Brenda. Do you know how many times I've heard my name being used to describe a librarian or a snooty bitch? Kind if iconic, tbh.) lets Stefani know where her grandma Iris lives at.
Stefani manages to track down her grandmother and learns about her visions and how Iris can tell when death is coming. This freaks Stefani out as Iris passes down her knowledge to Stefani, before allowing herself to be impaled in the head by a weather vane. It was pretty gnarly.
A funeral is held, Stefani is deemed crazy by her family, Stefani's mom ends up showing up, and they all decide to get together to celebrate life. Stefani refuses to be around her mother, so she stay home to decipher her Grandma Iris's book of knowledge that she left her.
It's exciting to watch who will become the next victim of death as a shard of glass makes its way into a glass of water. It's like a glass shard Russian roulette that doesn't even manage to kill anyone! Stefani's uncle ends up getting killed by a lawnmower, lol! The next victim would have been Stefani's cousin Erik, that is, if Aunt Brenda didn't have an affair with another man during her marriage to Uncle Howard, lmao. It's pretty funny because Erik is the only child that looks exactly like Uncle Howard.
I'm not going to do a whole play-by-play of the film, otherwise this post would just be a film summary. There are a lot of funny parts throughout the film, mostly because of Stefani's cousin Erik. We get to see Tony Todd's final performance as William Bludworth and it's very bittersweet. It struck me on a personal level, due to personal circumstances I am currently experiencing. Seeing Tony Todd's shiny eyes and sweet old face reminded me of my grandfather.
A subplot I think that wasn't done well was Stefani's mom's whole involvement. If you took Stefani's mom out of the movie, there wouldn't be much of a difference. The actress was okay, she didn't really make me feel anything. I know she's supposed to be the link between Stefani and her grandmother, but we already see that link through her Uncle Howard. Maybe it would've been more impactful if instead of leaving her family, Staefani's mom just took her own life to save her kids. I don't know how well that would've played out in the film, but it could've been an option.
In the end, Stefani believes that she beat Death because she was rendered unconscious by drowning and was resuscitated by her brother. NOTE! Unconscious***, not dead. They both realize that and end up dying in a freak accident before Stefani's brother can take his date to the prom! We get a lot of callbacks to the previous films, what with all of the trains and logs and such. It was a pretty extraordinary way to end the film.
Final Destination: Bloodlines was a very enjoyable watch. It broke my heart a bit to realize we will never have another asshole disembowelment scene ever again </3 If there will be any other installments in the future, please let it be more camp and ridiculous! I have to say, some of the deaths after the grand opening were a bit lackluster, like Stefani's cousin Julia. She gets crushed by a garbage truck compactor. Eh, you know? The MRI machine pulling at all of Erik's piercings were pretty entertaining and farfetched, but still not one of my favorites. That cost the film some points, as well as Stefani's mom.
Overall, I'd 100% recommend this film! It's fun, straight to the point, formulaic (if it ain't broke, don't fix it), and new. I've watched several reviews of the film and a majority believe that it's one of the best films out of the whole franchise. I can agree on a technical level, but nostalgia will always have me choose Final Destination 3! So, I guess I have my list ready! My top 3 are Final Destination 3, Final Destination, and Final Destination: Bloodlines. That's my personal opinion! I'm a sucker for early 2000's films, that was my childhood :)
I watched this movie right after World Goth Day, so it was like day 2 to my celebration :) It was a pretty awesome experience, I hope I can watch more horror films in theaters in the future. I'm really looking forward to seeing 30 Years Later in theaters! I saw the trailer for Bring Her Back before Final Destination: Bloodlines, I thought that looked pretty intense! It's out now, but I'm not sure I can see it in theaters any time soon :/
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