The Black Dagger Brotherhood and Me

 

    I've spoken before about the current nostalgia kick that I've been on: My Chemical Romance is touring again, Scene is popular again, A Final Destination film was just released... And the fucking Black Dagger Brotherhood has a series currently streaming on Passionflix as of June 5, 2025. What the fuck is going on???

    Dark Lover (2005) is the first installment of The Black Dagger Brotherhood book series written by J.R. Ward. It is also one of the first ever porno books I read when I was about 11 years old. I know that sounds pretty awful, but let me explain!

    I love vampires. I was a huge bookworm as a kid. I read books like a mother fucker. Anything to take the pain away, a distraction from reality. I have always loved horror and the supernatural. I grew up watching The Crow, Queen of the Damned, Blade, and The Craft. I loved watching shows like Weird Travels and Lost Tapes! So, it would make sense for me, having just read the Gemma Doyle trilogy, to read other supernatural/horror books available to me.

The Weird Travels opening always freaked me out as a kid!

    My Tia gave my mom, maybe like 4 books to read. My mom used to be a heavy reader in her youth as well. However, she had a very time-consuming job and a lot of responsibilities to handle, so she never got to read them. Cue 11-year-old me coming in, grabbing a book called The Heart of Dixie by Tami Hoag, and bringing it to school to read for silent reading time. You can believe the shock I experienced when Jake started kissing on Dixie and massaging her breasts... I stopped reading the book immediately, feeling like I would get in so much fucking trouble if my teacher found out I was reading a naughty book in class!

    I didn't finish the book... Until I got home, lol. That began my descent into smut, especially fanfic and yaoi... Those were the days of unsupervised internet access on the computer! Of course, now as an adult, I see how damaging that experience was for a kid like me. I grew up way too fast, in many ways. I knew a lot about things a normal 11 year old shouldn't know at that age; I even remember reading these books and not understanding what many of the words and descriptions meant. I didn't even know you could get pregnant by intercourse!

    I also look back on those times with mixed emotions, as I was simultaneously experiencing some of the worst times of my life, as well as the most creative period of my life. I was severely dissociative in my youth. All of my life, I had felt like a ghost floating outside of my own body. I felt like I was piloting my body like a giant mech. I wasn't living my life, I was watching myself out of my own body trying to survive.

    I had also developed a deep-seeded hatred within myself that made it hard for me to be present in reality. I was so disgusted with myself that I never believed that I could experience the romance I was reading in those books. Granted, those people were sucking and fucking, something I wouldn't have been doing anyways as a fat, middle school scene kid. I just felt like I wasn't good enough, pretty enough to be in a relationship or desired (not in a sexual way).

    One of the most damaging ways I had coped with my reality was the maladaptive daydreaming. That obviously didn't help with the dissociation. I retreated further into myself, into a world in which I wasn't fat and ugly. In the world inside my head, I was a vampire. I was desired by a beautiful emo boy and I had a lot of friends who loved me. I was also the lead singer of a rock band. Sometimes, I even imagined myself as a boy being in love with another boy. Imagining myself as a boy validated parts of my personality, the parts that weren't happy with how girls were treated and portrayed in the media. I wanted to be dominant. I wanted to be funny. I wanted to be seen how boys were seen.

    I was able to shift into this world through music. Ever since I was taught how to use LimeWire, burn CD's, and sync music files onto my iPod, I listened to music every day, as much as I could. I believe that's what solidified my insomnia. At night, everyone was asleep and I was alone. I finally had the time and space to put my earphones on and transport myself into this world. A world in which nothing hurt and I was always happy. Music did so much for me, but the maladaptive daydreaming, insomnia, and dissociation ruined my sense of self. I was dead in almost every way, a walking corpse, a worm body. I was never there.

    The media I consumed transported me into a world inside my head that I was able to make tangible with my developing skill. Whatever daydream I had ended up turning into characters separate from myself. The scenarios in my head turned into comics and chapters of a book I was planning to make into a series. I would create blogs and DeviantArt pages where I would express my thoughts, feelings, and share my writings and art. I had no life; No partners, no sports, no after school activities, a lot of my "friends" treated me like shit. Who pants someone in the middle of a field during the mile while a bunch of cars pass by? Who grabs someone's belly fat, shakes it, and laughs when your voice wavers as your stomach gets jiggled?

    As a result of my own isolation, I had plenty of time to develop my skills as an artist and a writer. I don't mean to brag, but I worked my ass off. I made so many sacrifices in my past to be good at what I do. I'm a fast and devoted learner. I am good, goddammit, so help me. I have to be, or all of the pain and suffering would've been in vain. I am still learning, I will still learn, I will never be done until the day I die. That is my one and true passion.

    I wrap up this tangent to credit Dark Lover as one of the books that had inspired me to create some of my most prolific work. Prolific to me, in my world, of course. I only ever read the first book, sorry to disappoint. But that one book did so much irreparable influence to my work, it's fucking insane. Just one book! I wrote almost 20,000 words for a book that will never be finished! That's around 55 pages not double-spaced!!! I wrote another 7,000 words for a smut with plot that will never be finished, also influenced by Dark Lover. I even named a character after Rhage!!! Do you know how gagged I was to find out about the 2025 Passionflix series?!?!? Like, what the actual fuck is going on?!?! Do you think this is a fucking joke?!?! Cause I'm not laughing, bitch!

This character was directly inspired by Dark Lover. He's a vampire assassin that kills demons... I drew this as a freshman in high school 13 years ago...

    I must tell you about this omen... This sign from beyond the veil... I thrifted these books March 19 of this year...

    OH COME ON?!? What do you mean I was able to find these books at the thrift store?! The same series that inspired me to write books in the first place? What the fuck are you talking about?!?! I even found the insider's guide when I went back to see if I could find any more books from the series. WHat. The. Fuck. I saw them sitting on the shelf at Good Will and couldn't believe my eyes! I grabbed them immediately, even though I don't think anyone would ever take them from me, lol. I would totally collect the series out of pure nostalgia! These are hard cover books as well, such a fucking score!! The ancient texts, ahh!!!

    I don't know what that means for me... I am inspired to create more than ever, that's for sure. I suddenly have the will to live... lol!! First the Vampire Chronicles, now this?? My Chemical Romance, Nosferatu, Sinners... Vampires are so fucking back, bitch. I've never felt so excited to be alive!!! It's like I'm a teen again, staying up late just to read/draw porn and write!

    I can watch the series through my mom's Amazon Prime... However, there's just one episode out... I know I can also watch Interview with the Vampire... 2 seasons are already out... I'm waiting to watch IWTV with someone... And I think I'll wait to watch Dark Lover when the first season is completed... Vampire marathon bitch!!

    Anyways, I thought I'd share my experience with the Black Dagger Brotherhood as the new series premiers. It's so crazy how the things from my youth are showing up again, coming full circle. I think the stars are aligning for me. To do what, I don't know. I'm gonna leave the post with a chunk of smut I wrote in class when I was 15. My friend clocked me so hard, she was like "Are you writing porn right now?".... Yes. Yes I am. All thanks to Dark Lover and the many other vampire and/or porno books I read (heart hands). Oh, and I almost forgot to mention: They are both dudes and they are both vampires. Very original!!

“Here’s your water.”

My vision comes into contact with his illuminating eyes and they take my breath away. My hand unconsciously reaches up and grabs the glass in front of me.

“Thanks.” My voice was barely audible.

Moses smirks and sits down next to me. He’s so close, I could choke on my water. I turn back to the forest to avoid eye contact with him, drinking my water.

“Jared.” His voice was a low murmur.

My head snaps towards his sudden voice and I stop breathing. His nose is inches away from mine. My heart picks up again, causing my head to throb, and the heat rises to my face. The tension was so unbearable, I wanted the heat to consume me. Oh, his features... So provoking. his lids were half closed, lashes almost covering his eyes, lips slightly parted.

“You have a little water on your chin.”

His hand rises to my face, forefinger gently resting on my cheek while his thumb brushes the water from my chin. His thumb brushes over my bottom lip and over the corner of my mouth. His touch left tingling sensations. I craved for his touch. I was so phased, the cup slipped out of my hand. 

“Shit.” The trance was broken. “I’m so sorry,” I stuttered while trying to pick up the cup,”I’m fucking clumsy...”

“It’s okay, let me take care of it.”

As soon as his hand touched mine, my fingers retracted, letting the cup fall once again.

“Goddammit...”

This time, he picked it up.

“I’ll be back with a towel.” Says Moses as he moves from the couch.

Nice fucking move, Jared. Why am I even here? I mother fucking forgot. I can’t remember anything when I’m around him.

Feeling utterly stupid and embarrassed, I get up to leave. I turn quickly, looking at the ground, not even noticing Moses with the towel. Our chests hit, sending a bolt of lust throughout my body. I don’t know why I don’t move, but Moses isn’t moving away either. I look up at his face to apologize, only to be taken aback by those eyes. Immediately, I’m mesmerized. His deep red eyes were looking into mine. I don’t realize that my lids are growing heavy and that my mouth is opening, inviting the presence of his tongue. I blink slowly.

As quick as my sudden impulse to leave, I use both my hands to bring his face down to mine. His mouth was perfect. I’ve never tasted anything so good.

I breathe in, pressing my lips harder against his. His taste was so dark and rich, so impossible to get enough. With no hesitation, I turn my head and hear our lips smack. I’m aroused at the sound, excitement fills my lower body. As his hands grab my hips, I inhale deeply, loving the scent of him. His long fingers massage them, making me tremble beneath, as if he were touching my bare skin. He suddenly tugs my hips against his, causing me to open my mouth more and whimper.

“Oh fuck.” He slowly whispers against my mouth. “Do that again.”

This time, his hand travels to my ass. He squeezes, then thrusts. I moan loudly, head falling back, taking in shallow, shaky breaths. My temples throb. 

“Your voice,” Moses says breathlessly,”I love your voice.”

He began sucking on my neck, tongue flicking lightly at my skin. At this point, his touch burned my skin. One of his hands travel up my back to tangle into my hair. He tightens his grip as his mouth traveled back to mine. I was too preoccupied to notice that my hands were scrunched in his hair. He pushes me until we hit something, and as I press against it, his hips move harder against mine. Everything below me was strained.

“Moses.” I pleaded, gasping at the his movements against my hips. I tighten my grip in his hair. 

“Tell me.” He growls.

He pulls my bottom lip with his teeth. My eyes roll back under closed lids.

“More.”

A loud growl of satisfaction fills the room. We were just about to crash into the couch when the door slammed open.

We are both startled as we trip onto the couch. I roll off of it and land on the floor with a thud, hand landing in the area of soaked carpet.

“Fucking knock!” Moses shouts.