Just Watched Pinocchio 964!

     I saw that Pinocchio 964 was available to watch for free on Tubi and I have been meaning to watch it! I finally put it on last night. I knew it was supposed to be a disturbing film, or intense at least. It was fine! It's visually disorienting and gross at some parts, but I thought the film was okay.

    I have seen Akira and Tokyo Gore Police, which I thought the latter was okay as well. Very camp. There are other films I have to watch from the genre, like Tetsuo: The Iron Man. With Tokyo Gore Police and Pinocchio 964, I just thought they were visually captivating and disturbing. I haven't felt the need to watch them again? It didn't really have an impact on me. Let's just say, they won't make my list of all time favorites, you know?

    The film is about a discarded sex-slave robot that failed to perform. He's wandering the streets, memory wiped, until Himiko finds him. She tries to help him out until a kiss between the two of them serves as a catalyst for their returning memories. Body horror ensues and a scene that is very reminiscent of Possession (1981).

    Notice how I caught that reference? Lmao, after looking up Pinocchio 964 on the world wide web, I noticed that the viewers of this film caught this reference as well. Oh your impact, Possession (1981)! Both women have a freak out session in the subway and vomit uncontrollably, which is very relatable to me.

    You see, I have drank so much alcohol that I have uncontrollably projectile vomited. I have also projectiled from other offices of my body as well, thank you 1.5 liter of CABERNET SAUVIGNON from  Barefoot Wine. I wasn't in the right mind, okay? I was going through A LOT!!! I have vomited a lot... You see why I have an affinity for scenes like these?

    Anyways, that was the most remarkable scene for me from Pinocchio 964. There are more scenes where I was like, "Heh, neat", but other than that... I thought the film was okay. Again, I have to watch more films from the genre so that I can compare. Cuuuzzzzz I would rather watch Akira, man. That movie frickin' rules. I'd give Pinocchio 964 like a 6.5 out of 10.

I Finally Watched "Poor Things"...

     It's been just about 2 years since Poor Things came out. I haven't felt the need to watch it since it came out, due to all of the discourse surrounding the film and it's sexual content. I sort of forgot about it until I started seeing clips of it on TikTok. I wanted to understand the film and why it garners such a visceral reaction among some viewers. Better to form an opinion of your own without someone telling you how to film, eh?

    So, I have been meaning to watch it. I couldn't watch it on Amazon Prime without renting, so I knew I had to sit in the living room to look where it's streaming for free. However, I did not feel like watching Poor Things in the living room, on the big t.v., for everyone to walk in and see! It wasn't until I noticed the film streaming for free on Tubi that I decided to finally watch it!

    I think the film would be easier to understand if you watched it through an erotic, gothic-influenced lens. I think it's a disservice to the film to not mention how pornographic it is. Why not call a spade a spade? If it's sexual content was not brought to the forefront, would that cheapen or de-intellectualize the film? "This film is high brow art, don't you know"!? Whatever. It's fancy porn, who cares. I found it easier to watch the film after suspending certain logic, similar to the way I watched Nosferatu (2024). At least Nosferatu was honest about it erotic elements.

    It's a visually stunning film that starts to fall flat towards the end. I took notice of the setting less and less throughout the film. I guess that symbolizes Bella Baxter's rose-colored glasses and infantile curiosity wearing off. I'm not the hugest fan of the digital effects the film uses, such as Godwin Baxter's post-dinner burps. I feel like we've progressed so far in the digital effects area, I don't know why so many movies look juvenile compared to older films.

    I would say the costumes were lovely, but I would mostly be commenting on Bella's wardrobe. I was a fan of her rubber latex coat and princess sleeves. I also loved Bella's long black hair and black brows, it was very striking on Emma Stone. I enjoyed listening to the score as well. The score that plays in the beginning, when Bella has just been "born", sounds like some weird, twisted fucked up nursery music. The film did make me chuckle. Mark Ruffalo's character was very funny, as well as nasty. I marveled at his girdle. The dialogue was very blunt, they were saying some crazy shit with a straight face.

    Now, let's talk about the plot. The film is about Bella Baxter (Emma Stone), a pregnant woman once known as Victoria Blessington, who committed suicide by jumping off a bridge. Godwin Baxter (Willam Dafoe), a mad scientist that has severe morality issues due to a shitty childhood (But you don't see me reanimating corpses about it!), decides to take Victoria's body and reanimate it. But here's the rub; Godwin takes Victoria's baby (I can't remember if the baby was alive or not) out of her corpse, takes the brain out of the baby, and puts the brain in the skull of a deceased Victoria. When thinking about today's society, it sounds pretty fucked up, right? But we're not existing in today's world, it's a fantastical 1882 in London!

    This is where we have to suspend our natural beliefs. We are entering a world of medical malpractice and moral incompetence. This film is based on the 1992 novel Poor Things, which was heavily influenced by Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, the notorious Gothic novel who garnered fans of goths and horror enthusiasts alike! And, let's not forget that Mary Shelley lost her virginity to her future husband on top of her mother's grave. lol.

    Now, I know. I know!! Bella Baxter has the brain of her infant inside her. That's fucking gross. So, you know what I'm gonna do? Ignore that. Once that brain left the baby's body, and was placed into Victoria's skull, that brain became Bella Baxter's. So, it's easier to think of Bella as a woman who was "born sexy yesterday". I'm sure you've all seen that YouTube video by now, but if you haven't, you must watch it. Bella has the body of a beautiful young woman and the mind of a little baby. How subversive...

    It's easier to gloss over this trope when you're watching The Fifth Element. If I'm being honest... no it is not. It's quite obviously in your face as she's being reanimated in that tube. Leeloo speaks in a frightened, high-pitched baby voice and is unaware of her own beauty. She undresses in front of people, because she's just so unaware. But she combats that with her badass fighting skills, which only takes her so far, because what she truly needs is love. Shut that FACK uppppp!!!

    But when you observe Bella's mannerisms, it's truly that of a toddler's. She waddles with her feet wide apart, arms weighing outwards for balance. She speaks in short words and exhibits unabashed facial expressions. She throws temper tantrums and hits people with her adult strength. She rides a bike around the house and blows bubbles. When Max McCandles (Ramy Youssef) is introduced to Bella, she pisses on herself, delightfully exclaiming, "WEE!".

    Don't worry! Bella learns very fast. Her brain develops faster than a real baby's. It won't be long until she grows up into a smart, dignified young lady. So in the meantime, Bella is betrothed to Max McCandles. who would take very good care of her and not take advantage of her innocence at all! Max objects at first, asking if Bella was supposed to be Godwin's mistress. But oh no! What an absurd, yet honest question. Godwin has no genitals, so he cannot fuck her! His paternal instincts outweigh his sexual ones. I liken Godwin's feelings towards Bella similar to those of a dog owner. She is his "experiment" after all. Simultaneously, Bella has discovered masturbation and she needs to bust a nut at all times. You might have noticed the usage of hard, blunt language being used in this review. I'm only mimicking the language being used in the film. It's very explicit and frank.

    This will hurt your head if you think about it too much! Bella, lobotomized baby Bella, is being given to one man from another. They just want the best for her!! Because she cannot think for herself!! She needs to be taken care of!! So, Godwin contractually gives Bella to Max, in the condition that he lives with both Bella and Godwin. This is when Godwin summons the lawyer Duncan Wedderburn (Mark Ruffalo).

    "Curious contract..." Marvels Duncan Wedderburn. "Must be quite a woman to warrant such binding." Says the sleazeball. Duncan excuses himself to the "bathroom", only to find Bella blowing bubbles in her wardrobe. He is entranced by her beauty, as well as her stunted mind. Bella becomes infatuated with Duncan because he pinches her clitoris. After this interaction, Duncan decides to woe Bella out of her "prison" (The one in which she's treated like an object/child and is shamed for jacking off).

    Bella comes to Godwin with her plan; She will marry Max McCandles, but only after she fucks around the world with Duncan Wedderburn. It seems reasonable, right? Bella must live her life (Having loads of sex with Duncan) before ultimately being tied down to Max (The safer, more stable option). Bella even notes that she will not be in good hands while traveling with Duncan. But it's her choice and shes extremely self-aware! Godwin agrees and lets her take off with Duncan. This is where the movie, who's erotic tones were building up, turns into a nicely lit, raunchy porno.

    This "relationship" rubs me the wrong way. It's obviously playing out a very male-centered fantasy. "Pervert creep takes advantage of infant-brained but gorgeous, sheltered woman". I must admit, I did not enjoy seeing Emma Stone get "fucked" by Mark Ruffalo, even though it's fake. Of course, Emma Stone is the sole owner of her body, so she can do whatever she wants (Mark too). In fact, Emma Stone is no stranger to raunchy comedies. But it did make me feel uncomfortable with how the scenes were played out. It's very pornographic, for lack of a better word. I did not find it funny or liberating in any way. It's not subversive, it's not impressive. Maybe one can interpret this relationship as commentary on how men like woman dumb and subservient, so that they can be easier to control and fuck... No shit.

    Bella quickly finds out that there's more to the world than just pleasure. Her experiences begin to mold her into a more multi-faceted person. She begins to... think. And not only just think, but to think for herself! This obviously triggers Duncan, as he only wanted Bella to remain a childish, awestruck blow-up doll. Boo! We hate Duncan! Do you understand this viewer? Is it plain enough for you to see? How could Bella make her own choice to be with a pervert weirdo over sweet innocent Max? Max is such a cuck! But fuck Duncan for being a nasty hedonist!

    But Bella had to sleep with him. It's part of her character development. She had to find out for herself, in order to grow as a person. And because of this, Bella decides to donate Duncan's gambling winnings to the poor. But, the money doesn't go to the poor, it gets taken by two cruise ship workers instead. Bella and Duncan get kicked off the cruise ship they were on. Duncan is mad at Bella and calls her a "Selfish, thoughtless, careless bitch". But she's not, you see. She gave the money to the poor.

    Bella marvels at their predicament. She comments that they are now poor. This has become a new adventure for her. I guess this satisfies her because now she gets to experience how poor people live and feel. This is all voluntary by the way, as Godwin hid a bunch of money in Bella's suitcase. And she knows this. This is where the film's commentary becomes shallow. Bella decides to wander around Paris to find a room, as well as some money to book a room. Maybe she'll get a little job flipping crepes or whatever the fuck. But no, she comes across a brothel and sells her body, in which she uses the money to buy eclairs.

    I do not shame sex workers. I do have different opinions about sex workers who have more privilege than other sex workers. Some sex workers do not have any other options, and not all sex workers are victims. However, because we live in a patriarchal, rape-culture riddled society, I cannot fully support prostitution. I do not see it as liberating, but that's just my opinion. My opinion is mostly influenced by my previous statement about the patriarchy. Again, I do not look down on sex workers, I just want these people to be safe.

    In the book, Bella leaves Duncan Wedderburn because he views her as a possession. She goes back home to advocate for women's rights, as well as social reform and public health. In the film, Bella leaves Duncan because he shames her for selling her body and calls her a "cunt". "We should definitely never marry. I am a flawed, experimenting person and I will need a husband with a more forgiving disposition." After this, Bella pulls out the money Godwin gave her so Duncan can get a room. He takes all of her money, so she decides to work at the brother because, in her own words, "I need sex and money."

    Bella balances her options. She could find another man, another Duncan as she puts it, but that would take up all of her time to study and make the world a better place. She reasons that her work-life balance would be more manageable as a prostitute. This doesn't make sense to me, because the story takes place in a fantastical late-Victorian world, in which reanimation and cotton candy colored skies exist. Surely, we could've done away with the whole "husband owning wife" and "women can't work" bullshit. Are there not any other jobs for women? Does Bella crave sex that bad, lmao!! There's obviously nothing wrong with a woman wanting tons of sex, but Bella isn't a real woman. She's a character in a film. She's not real.

    This film wants to be smart so bad. The commentary on feminism is so surface level and shallow. The concept of brothels and prostitution is obviously too complex for the film to really provide some decent commentary on. Bella becomes a prostitute as an experiment. She really didn't have to! There's nothing revolutionary about this privileged white woman becoming a sex worker. When Bella begins her sex work, she has qualms about fucking ugly, smelly dudes. Her mistress tells her she has no choice. Bella basically does whatever is required of her, which means another pornographic montage.

    Since we are relying on "historical accuracy", taking note of how women are treated during 1882, where is the violence? Where are the child workers? Where are the diseases? The movie loves to ignore certain things in order for the movie to be what it is, which is just porn. This is the point where I can't suspend my beliefs, like how I did with Nosferatu. Bella has sex with a father in front of his children. If there is some kind of meaning behind that whole interaction, I don't understand it. Call me too woke or whatever, but what am I supposed to do with that? 

    Bella starts learning about socialism, since she wants the world to become a better place. She also begins another relationship with fellow sex worker Toinette, who introduced her to socialism. Godwin becomes terminally ill. Bella goes back home to him, finds out she was an experiment, asks Max to marry her (Because she's ready to settle down), forgives Godwin for making her, gets ready to marry Max, but then gets stopped by Victoria Blessington's actual husband. Bella goes back with Victoria's husband to learn about her previous life, which was abusive. No wonder she committed suicide! The husband plans to cut her clitoris off and impregnate her, but Bella throws chloroform in his face and switches his brain with a goat's.

    In the end, Godwin dies. Bella decides to become a surgeon. I assume she's inheriting Godwin's occupation. I guess that's how she's going to change the world. Idk. It's never shown whether or not Bella marries Max, but Toinette is there. Polyamorous? The film ends with Bella drinking a glass of gin while studying for her exam, a triumphant score blaring in the background to show just how much Bella has grown. Bella smiles.

    Did I enjoy the film? Other than having a couple of chuckles, not really. Would I watch it again? Not unless I was watching it with someone else to verify my critiques. I just feel... meh. I don't really care for the film. Nothing about the film appeals to me, other than a couple of Bella's clothing items. I don't get anything out of it, besides exasperation. The film is trying to tell me basic things that I, as a 27 year old queer woman, have already known for years. It's not even aesthetically pleasing enough to watch again. It's just porn, which I don't protest, that was made for men. I wasn't turned on, lol. I wasn't into it like I was The Handmaiden (2016).

    Poor Things is shallow. It's erotic. Watch it to make your own judgement, or don't watch it at all. I cannot justify that scene with the children at all. I don't get it. I don't care to get it. There's nothing wrong with a sexually liberated woman, it's just bothers me that it's done in such a way, you know? There was nothing subversive about the film, nothing new. I don't care about these stories and I'm tired of these tropes. When am I going to see a woman fuck a dude in the ass with a strap-on? When am I going to see a boss woman CEO make her male subordinate wear a butt plug all day? These questions keep me up at night...

The Brain (1988) Film Review

 

    I was trying to watch more Sci-Fi Horror films before my next post, but all the films I wanted to see were behind a paywall. Boo!!! So, I decided to watch this film instead. This movie blows!!

    I was expecting so much more from a film titled The Brain, you know? I wanted to see some freaky ass shit. I was expecting to see elements more akin to Billy and Mandy's "Little Rock of Horrors" episode, you know? A giant brain using mind control to eat more brains? The two plots are similar in nature, but one's a lot more entertaining!

    The film opens up with a shot with Dr. Blake's (main antagonist) building that he runs his program out of. It's the next shot that throws me off; We see "The Brain" just chilling in its giant tank of liquid, one tentacle hanging out. We see the "monster" straight up, there's no build-up or grand reveal. I wasn't enjoying the movie already :/

    My little brother was watching the beginning with me and he made me laugh! After a high schooler named Becky dies after falling out of her two-story bedroom window, my brother said, "I'm gonna have to give this death the 'Dull Machete Award' for lamest kill". Becky is supposed to be suffering from hallucinations being brought on by the Brain. There is so much layaway with a hallucination sequence, you can literally do anything! The opening scene is supposed to set the mood for the rest of the movie, and what it was showing me was lackluster. Therefore, I was about to watch a lackluster film. Boo.

YouTube has the whole film for free! You can watch the beginning if you want, but the specific sequence I'm writing about starts at 4:30.

    The film feels very hollow and one-dimensional. You can tell that the actors are trying their very best to make this movie solid. Our main character, Jim Majelewski, isn't a very captivating male lead. He's supposed to be charming yet mischievous, but the actor is too busy "looking good" to convey such a complexity, lol. "Great gowns, beautiful gowns"... The rest of the "teenage" actors are fine. They're okay. I didn't feel bad when Jim's friend got eaten by the Brain. lol.

    We typically see a handful of horror films tropes amongst 80's horror films. In this movie's case, we get to see some boobies. You gotta get the people in the theater somehow!! That particular scene gives sleazy porno vibes for sure. The topless woman ends up getting eaten by the Brain and I can't help but to think there was something sexual behind it. 0_o

    The rest of the film is really boring and I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't finish the movie. I couldn't find it in my heart to finish the damned thing. I did manage to watch the ending in which Jim threw some sodium into the Brain's mouth, causing it to blow the fuck up!! That was a bit underwhelming, but it made me chuckle nonetheless. All in all, I would not watch this movie again! LMAO! I give it a 5 out of 10.

    Honestly, I would recommend watching that Billy and Mandy episode, it's really cool. Voltaire is the "Brain Eating Meteor's" singing voice. Catchy song. I remember watching that episode as a child and being so entranced! There are other "brain" themed horror films to watch that are probably better than this one! Much to see, so little patience!! Blessed Be!

Final Destination: Bloodlines Review (Spoilers)

 

    So, this film review is pretty fucking late! I watched this movie a little over 2 weeks ago... Life has taken an unexpected turn and I'm trying to keep up with everything. I can't let myself lose what little structure I have left. Talking about the things that I love, and still doing the things I enjoy, helps me stay grounded in reality. With that being said, here is my film review for Final Destinations; Bloodlines :)

    I enjoy the original film series! I enjoy the campiness of some of the films and I don't hold any "high" expectations for any of them. It's been long enough to look back on the past releases fondly, as I accept them for what they are; Products of each release date. So, when this film was announced and the trailer premiered, I was so ready for some crazy shit!

    I had some extra money come into my possession, and I knew I wouldn't be able to see the film on its premiere date. I wasn't going to wait for my family to make any plans to see the film, so I took it up on myself to watch the movie on my own! I've watched 3 other movies on my own: The Nun II, Lisa Frankenstein (In an empty theater during Valentines Day), and Nosferatu Christmas Morning! Watching horror films in theaters by myself is probably one of my most favorite things to do!

    I woke up early, telling no one about my secret escapade, and drove to Dunkin' Donuts for their $6 meal. I was able to eat it before entering the theater that's attached to the mall, my favorite crappy theater (I've watched every film there). The trailers started at 9:00 AM and I was sitting behind the only people in attendance, a couple. I went into the showroom so hyped!

    I'll admit, I've been enjoying the nostalgia that's been happening as of late. Not the Disney cash grabs, that's for sure! My Chemical Romance is touring again, Scene is back, a new Final Destination film came out, and I'm finally old enough to fully enjoy the hype! That's why I was so excited to watch this film in theaters!

    I was shaking in my seat, like I was getting ready to ride a roller coaster. Granted, I was expecting some stupid crazy shit to happen while early 2000's nu metal played in the background, but it's 2025 and there's no reason for Ill Niño or Deftones to make it onto the soundtrack. That's what unfortunately lost points from me; After the cheesy, cornball shit from the early 2000's, horror has been trying to take itself more seriously. While I appreciate that, I still yearn for the campiness that came from that era. I mean, Malignant and Abigail are some current examples, but I wanted it specifically from the Final Destination franchise. It's all of the film reviewerr's fault for riding the franchise so hard.

    Let's talk about that intro. It was probably the best part about the whole film, my favorite moment in fact. I have to watch the entire series over again to decide which one has the best intro, as well as which film holds my top 3. But man, that intro. It's pretty far up there, for sure!

    The modern filming of the movie kind of takes you out of the era it's supposed to occur in. There's a lot of CGI, but the film can't help that. It would be damn impossible to get all of the shots and SFX's. The couple we are introduced to are very charming and you feel bad for them when all of the shit goes down. The song that plays in the background, "Shout" by The Isley Brothers, is so catchy and deceiving! It was the perfect disguise for the impending doom that would soon occur.

    When it happened, my jaw dropped the whole time! It was complete and utter chaos and I loved it! You almost hate to see some of the characters die, lol! Except that one kid, lmao! The film got 1 point just for the child death! He had it coming, asshole!! There was a fire stunt done by Yvette Ferguson that set a world record for the oldest person to be immolated on film! She was on fire for a fat-ass minute too, lol. No one was spared!

   Stefani Reyes was our main protagonist for the film; She wasn't bad in the film at all, in fact, she played her part very well. She kind of lacked a bit of substance and didn't have as much personality as Devon Sawa's character. But, I can't complain, she had one job to do and she did it well.

    The film was very self-aware, we didn't have to sit through the rules all over again. The movie got straight to the point, no bullshit!! She quickly deduced that she was having visions about her grandma Iris dying, so she began to search for more answers. Stefani goes home and visits her uncle Howard to learn about her estranged grandmother. We learn that Stefani's mom left her family, and that her mom and uncle were living in a chaotic environment with her grandma Iris in their youth. Her uncle forbids contact with her grandmother, but her Aunt Brenda (Fun fact, my real name is Brenda. Do you know how many times I've heard my name being used to describe a librarian or a snooty bitch? Kind if iconic, tbh.) lets Stefani know where her grandma Iris lives at.

    Stefani manages to track down her grandmother and learns about her visions and how Iris can tell when death is coming. This freaks Stefani out as Iris passes down her knowledge to Stefani, before allowing herself to be impaled in the head by a weather vane. It was pretty gnarly.

    A funeral is held, Stefani is deemed crazy by her family, Stefani's mom ends up showing up, and they all decide to get together to celebrate life. Stefani refuses to be around her mother, so she stay home to decipher her Grandma Iris's book of knowledge that she left her.

    It's exciting to watch who will become the next victim of death as a shard of glass makes its way into a glass of water. It's like a glass shard Russian roulette that doesn't even manage to kill anyone! Stefani's uncle ends up getting killed by a lawnmower, lol! The next victim would have been Stefani's cousin Erik, that is, if Aunt Brenda didn't have an affair with another man during her marriage to Uncle Howard, lmao. It's pretty funny because Erik is the only child that looks exactly like Uncle Howard.

    I'm not going to do a whole play-by-play of the film, otherwise this post would just be a film summary. There are a lot of funny parts throughout the film, mostly because of Stefani's cousin Erik. We get to see Tony Todd's final performance as William Bludworth and it's very bittersweet. It struck me on a personal level, due to personal circumstances I am currently experiencing. Seeing Tony Todd's shiny eyes and sweet old face reminded me of my grandfather.

    A subplot I think that wasn't done well was Stefani's mom's whole involvement. If you took Stefani's mom out of the movie, there wouldn't be much of a difference. The actress was okay, she didn't really make me feel anything. I know she's supposed to be the link between Stefani and her grandmother, but we already see that link through her Uncle Howard. Maybe it would've been more impactful if instead of leaving her family, Staefani's mom just took her own life to save her kids. I don't know how well that would've played out in the film, but it could've been an option.

    In the end, Stefani believes that she beat Death because she was rendered unconscious by drowning and was resuscitated by her brother. NOTE! Unconscious***, not dead. They both realize that and end up dying in a freak accident before Stefani's brother can take his date to the prom! We get a lot of callbacks to the previous films, what with all of the trains and logs and such. It was a pretty extraordinary way to end the film.

    Final Destination: Bloodlines was a very enjoyable watch. It broke my heart a bit to realize we will never have another asshole disembowelment scene ever again </3 If there will be any other installments in the future, please let it be more camp and ridiculous! I have to say, some of the deaths after the grand opening were a bit lackluster, like Stefani's cousin Julia. She gets crushed by a garbage truck compactor. Eh, you know? The MRI machine pulling at all of Erik's piercings were pretty entertaining and farfetched, but still not one of my favorites. That cost the film some points, as well as Stefani's mom.

    Overall, I'd 100% recommend this film! It's fun, straight to the point, formulaic (if it ain't broke, don't fix it), and new. I've watched several reviews of the film and a majority believe that it's one of the best films out of the whole franchise. I can agree on a technical level, but nostalgia will always have me choose Final Destination 3! So, I guess I have my list ready! My top 3 are Final Destination 3, Final Destination, and Final Destination: Bloodlines. That's my personal opinion! I'm a sucker for early 2000's films, that was my childhood :)

    I watched this movie right after World Goth Day, so it was like day 2 to my celebration :) It was a pretty awesome experience, I hope I can watch more horror films in theaters in the future. I'm really looking forward to seeing 30 Years Later in theaters! I saw the trailer for Bring Her Back before Final Destination: Bloodlines, I thought that looked pretty intense! It's out now, but I'm not sure I can see it in theaters any time soon :/

Blessed Be!

Recently Watched Films With Edgy Chicks in Them

    I go through a lot of movies while I work on my art and comics. I really can't watch anything unless it's horror, sci-fi, or fantasy. Lately, I've been on an early 2000's, cheesy movie binge. It started after I came across a picture of Leelee Sobieski all Gothed out!

1. My First Mister (2001)

    Leelee Sobieski plays a Goth named Jennifer that befriends an older man named Randall Harris. She is initially attracted to him, but eventually forms a bond with him that is akin to a father-daughter relationship. Through her friendship with Randall, she eventually is able to begin her healing process and open up to her family about her issues.

    I did not expect this film to be so decent. I was initially weary about Jennifer's attraction to Randall, but he was very firm with his boundaries. He took on more of a mentor role in their friendship. I still wouldn't be letting her spend the night at my place, even though she was on the couch, that's too much in my humble opinion. But he remained firm in his decision.

    Jennifer is an interesting character, albeit cliche. She's Goth, loaded with piercings, who self-harms and writes poetry about dying. She's not a fan of the real world, so she looks through binoculars backwards to warp her reality. Her mom is so nice and supportive, a bit overwhelming, but she has good intentions. Jennifer hates her, lol. She reminds me of Goob from Meet the Robinsons.

    Jennifer likes to dance it out, eat chocolate she hides in a box, and help alt girls get their clit piercings unstuck from zippers. Listening to her internal monologue is quite entertaining, as it is through the eyes of a teenager. She writes in her diary a lot.

    Anyways, she ends up getting a job as a sales associate at a suit shop run by Randall Harris. That is, only after she bugs the shit out of him and causes a ruckus. Their bond only grows from there!

    The film's a bit dated, but it holds up quite well. It's almost 2 hours, running at 1 hr 50 min! You won't expect the film to end the way it does, so twist ending? Surprise ending? I recommend it if you want a slightly wholesome movie and some time to kill.

2. Vampire Clan (2002)

    Still riding my early 2000's Goth movie kick, I was searching through vampire films on the T.V. I came across the film Vampire Clan. I went into it blind, eventually looking up the plot a third of the way into the movie.

    Vampire Clan is a film based on true events, the 1996 "Vampire Killings" in Murray, Kentucky. What started out as a stupid cheesy film that made me laugh out loud, turned into a viewing of a tasteless recounting of true events. It was heavily dramatized and failed to tackle the subject with grace.

    The recent sensationalization that has occurred in the true crime community has always rubbed me the wrong way, especially how the focus tends to be on the murders and not the victims. This film ended up feeling the same way to me. I really wanted a film that I could laugh at and make fun of, so I only focused on the acting and screenplay.

    The group of teenagers, led by Rod Ferrel, are exactly who you'd peg them to be; Middle-class kids with too much time, interpreting Goth as poser vampires and bad make-up. If anything, the way that they dress and act is easy to make fun of, real dorky!

    Essentially, Rod Ferrel kills Charity's (Heather Wendorf) parents and steals their car. He did this to help Charity to run away with him and his clan. She chickens out, they force her to stay with them, she finds out her parents are dead, the cops end up arresting them and getting a confession out of Rod. The End.

    It's a bad film and an even worse interpretation of the actual crime. I don't recommend the film unless you want to view it at face value. It would be easier to laugh at.

3. Poison Ivy (1992)

    Poison Ivy is the only outlier in terms of release date. I had watched this film when I was a freshman in high school. UNIF did a Lookbook based off of the film and I wanted to watch it! So I did!

    I recently watched it again, as I was going through 90's fashion through my Pinterest boards. As I watched again, it grossed me out even more than the first time I watched it. You see Tom Skerritt's saggy old man ass!! Or, at least I think it's his ass. Drew Barrymore was only 17 when the movie was released. Disgusting.

    The film also stars Sara Gilbert as a rich kid pretending to be poor to impress Drew Barrymore's character, whom she later names Ivy. Ivy likes the name and decides to go by it, befriending Sylvie (Gilbert) and eventually staying at her lavish house after winning Sylvie's parents over.

    Ivy is psycho, though. A dog had just gotten hit by a car and Ivy mercy kills it with no remorse. A deadly moment of foreshadowing. Basically, Ivy begins to seduce Sylvie's father in spite of Sylvie's mom's sickness. Ivy succeeds, eventually pushing Sylvie's mom off the balcony, making it look like a suicide.

    As Ivy tries to weasel her way into the family, Sylvie eventually finds out that Ivy killed her mom. A tussle ensues, but Sylvie ends up pushing Ivy off the same balcony. The End!

    It's a pretty unremarkable film, even more unappealing given the fact that Hollywood was basically pimping a young Drew Barrymore out. This is sadly the case with many more young actresses, like Alicia Silverstone, Alyssa Milano, Julia Stiles, Domonique Swain, you get it. I don't recommend it. 

4. Blood and Chocolate (2007)

    I remember seeing a trailer for this film when I was a kid! Never understood anything about it, lol. I had avoided watching it until recently, 18 years later. The only reason I watched it was because of Kazlovesbats, aka Allison Eckfeldt.

    The movie is so obviously from 2007. Hugh Dancy basically shows up as himself, despite the character originally being a goth kid? lol. It was a boring watch, not gonna lie.

    After reading the synopsis of the novel it was based on, I can see what a huge steaming pile of dogshit this movie turned out to be. The novel was a lot more complex, hell it was frequently banned in the US from 2000-2009 due to its explicit content.

    I don't plan on reading the novel. I don't know how I feel about reading a book involving explicit sexual themes, especially when the main character is a 16 year old girl. Let's just say, I'm not the target audience. I aged out of that area for sure, no more Blue Bloods for me. I don't even know how ethical that is? It's not like I'd read the book with those intentions. What are your opinions?

    Anyways, Vivian, the main character is aged up in the movie. College age, I presume. She gets with Aiden in the movie (same ages) and with Gabriel in the book (He's 8 years older than her). 

5. Goth (2003) TW

Click The Image to Watch The Trailer

    I can't find the trailer on YouTube, so you're gonna have to watch it on IMDb!

    This film is literal dogshit, it's probably one of the worst films I've ever seen, and I've watched House of the Dead. Even that film was one I could laugh at, this film was a snooze-fest!

    I should've known when I saw the title: Goth. Puh-lease! Let's just make a fucking mess out of everything!

    Basically, a couple is taken for a ride by a young woman named Gothe (yes... her name is Goth with an 'e'), she has it tattooed on her chest. Don't know why it's spelled regularly on the cover, but okay! Gothe gives them drugs, they wake up in her shitty little van, and she calls them posers. She has 3 rules to be a true "Goth":

1. Embrace the Darkness

2. Kill Your Fears

3. Live For Death

    The fucking stupidest shit I've ever heard of, Oh my GOOODDDD. Gothe is also a rapist? She raped a guy at knifepoint. The dude of the couple (both Goths) berates her for going against Goth's true values, honestly he was the only sane one at that moment. He could've knocked her ass out, but apparently Gothe is just too strong. Plus, the chick of the couple was like "no, leave her". Okay, rape accomplice?

    The whole film is ridiculous, it adds nothing to the commentary of the Goth subculture. It's an unnecessary film that I can't even make fun of, it's so bad. I wouldn't even bother watching it, just forget I said anything.

    Anyways, there are a couple of YouTube videos about it, I came across them while looking for a trailer. I have to watch those! I recommend you to the same, rather than watch the film.

    Well, that's it! That's 1/5 movies I recommend. Not a very high success rate, eh? Here's to more interesting movies in the future.

The Slumber Party Massacre (1982) Film Review

 

    Just watched The Slumber Party Massacre last night! It was pretty entertaining, not the best movie in the world of course, but still enjoyable. It's a good film to have on in the background.

    It's funny seeing all of the "teenagers" look the same as the "adults". You know, lots of sexualization towards minors in horror films. I understand this film was supposed to be a parody of slasher films in general, so I guess that's the point.

    We start the film with nudity right away! I would never step out of the house without a bra on!! Trish, the main character, throws away her toys when she could've donated them :( lol, I know it's symbolic of her growing up from a girl into a woman.

    Trish is at school during gym class, playing with her friends and the new girl Valerie. They all go to the showers, showing off ass and titties, while scrubbing their asses and talking about sports. It's so funny! Trish wants to invite Valerie to her slumber party, but Diane doesn't want Valerie to come because she's jealous of her.

    Poor Diane, she's just trying to bust a nut and her boyfriend gets killed. She was next!! Valerie's little sister Courtney is funny, she snuck up into her room to look through a Playgirl magazine.

    Everyone dies except Trish, Valerie and Courtney. The murderer, Russ Thorn, delivers a gross monologue that is very metaphorical.

Russ Thorn: [to Trish] You're pretty. All of you are very pretty. I love you. It takes a lot of love for a person to... do this. You know you want it. You'll like it. Yes...

Trish: No... please... I don't even know you.

    It's important to mention his giant, impractical, phallus-like drill that he uses to kill everyone with. Metaphors and all. Valerie's a badass and attacks him with a machete and kills him twice. They cry. The End.

    I think I would've enjoyed the film much more if the director was able to fulfill her true vision, making a full-on parody out of slasher films. The film wouldn't have fallen so flat. It was kind of just meh, you know?

    I noticed that there was a 2021 re-imagining of the film?! I have to give that a watch. I'm gonna have to give the sequels a watch as well.