Typically, I'd be asleep in bed by now, but my gym partner is down with a cold, so I have no obligation to wake at 4:30 AM. I'm even wondering if I should go at all tomorrow. I thought, "Maybe I'll go later or maybe I'll go for a run". But if I do anything past 8 AM, I'll miss a livestream... Decisions, decisions...
I might just take the day. I'll probably go to the gym on Wednesday, if my gym partner is willing to. Wednesdays are usually our rest days. However, I really need to sit down and really take a look at where I'm at right now. I've been avoiding doing anything pertaining to my projects for some reason beyond my comprehension. A spiritual blockage, if you will. Fuck.
And I'm tired. I really am tired. I really wanted to push myself to lose some weight before our beach trip. I know that sounds unrealistic, but I wanted to try anyway. I think it'll work out in the end, I just need to relax. If anything, I know I've made great progress since I started in January. And I'm still going!
My family and I went out on Saturday. We went to the mall and grabbed something to eat. God, malls are exhausting. I don't think I can take it anymore. I'm officially too old for the mall. There's just too many people who lack spatial awareness.
I wanted a coffee, but the little coffee kiosk that's usually there was gone :( I really wanted one of their coffees again! Boo!! I ended up going to a boba kiosk and getting a coffee there, with boba of course... Big mistake, it really fucked my stomach up when I got home. But, it was really good while I was walking around. Never. Again.
I was on the lookout for a hat, specifically a Von Dutch one. Ever since I saw the hats being sold in a Spencer's, I low-key wanted one. Just not for over $50! So, I was on the lookout for any other hat that would suffice, as well as any Von Dutch hats that were on sale. We ended up at a Zumiez; I know that if any place would have Von Dutch hats, it would be a Zumiez. And I was right. I found a brown and pink Von Dutch trucker hat that was $38, so that purchase was easier to justify. I really love it! While we were in line, I was this reusable bag they were selling and it was so up my alley. Everything together was like $43-ish bucks? Still less than the Von Dutch hat I saw back at Spencer's.
We stopped by a Bath & Body, then a Miniso after that. I picked up some hand sanitizer, since you can never have enough. We looked around Miniso for a bit and I found a My Melody beauty blender case set for $6. That was awesome, since I was on the lookout for the Hello Kitty one from Ross. I don't like to travel with my beauty blender all loose, exposed to the germs and bacteria not from my face!
The colors of the reusable bag are my favorite to work with while illustrating! The barbed wire being the branches holding the blossoms. Gagged!!
We left the mall to grab something to eat before we went home. It was much needed, since I worked up an appetite from walking around the mall. We sat outside and took in the sunset. As per my brother's request (it was his turn to choose the restaurant), he wanted Dutch Bro's (as you can see, one cannot acquire a proper meal at a coffee joint), so we ended up grabbing some on the way home. It was really good. Too bad my body was rejecting the coffee, due to the vile boba coffee settling in my stomach. I was tossing and turning in pain before sleep took its claim over me.
She is a cruel, cruel mistress.
Seriously, I didn't know if I was going to barf or shit myself. LMAO!! Ugh, it was awful. It felt like fucking alcohol poisoning. Not fun!!! I asked for almond milk too! It must've been the "coffee" flavoring used. :'''''( Lesson learned, I guess!! That was my Saturday, which took me out! I rested all Sunday, taking a nap only to go back to sleep after a shower. Exhausting, exhausting!
I wanted to edit my February vlog, but I had a late start today as well. I also think I might've caught whatever's going around too. My right nostril is clogged and itchy. I've been sneezing. No!!! So, I guess taking a day off doesn't seem so bad. I do plan on getting up early so that I can have more time to do the things I want, I just won't be overexerting myself. Just laundry and organizing.
I really need to get organized. I am shifting my "content" elsewhere. TikTok is no good anymore. I'll still keep it, just like Twitter, but I won't be focusing on it. I knew I'd eventually shift to YouTube, I just didn't know when and how exactly. I have to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. I don't have a tripod, a mic, a decent camera, a decent computer, or a decent editing program. I am extremely bare bones over here. I guess that will be apart of the charm.
I am more interested in documenting the artistic process of my project and thesis, rather than making "content" like a dancing monkey, you know? I mean, I'll gladly make a fool out of myself just to make someone laugh, but that's not the point. You have to choose one thing and focus on it. So, it is with a heavy heart, that I have to shelf my blossoming comedy career.
I just wish I didn't still hold so much shame in my body. It almost feels like a humiliation ritual to film oneself on camera. I know I have to express myself, one way or another. I have to build a connection. I just don't know how to do that in a way that is unique. Cause, everyone and their momma has a YouTube channel!! Why would my channel be any different? What's the point of your channel and why should we care? You make art? So do millions of others, Bozo!! And then I have to promote myself? That's even more embarrassing! They'll kick me while I'm down, I know it!!
Maybe it's insecurity. Everyone else is doing it, so why can't you? Get over yourself, you know? Sometimes I don't think I'm up to par. I'm not good enough. I'm an old loser. I'm stuck in this lack mindset. I just have to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do! That's what tomorrow's for, I guess. I just need to think. I need to plan. Then I need to take action. I know what I need to do, it's just how.
And I know I need to fucking talk, people play YouTube videos in the background when they're working!! I know this!! We all know this!! Video essay this, video essay that! Where the fuck are your academic sources and peer-review edits? Do you read academic essays? Do you analyze and annotate? When's the last time you wrote a 5-6 page essay in 12 point font, Times New Roman? Did you even take one single gender studies class in community college?!!
Damn it, I'll figure it out and let you know if I have something worthwhile. In the meantime, I need to go to bed. I can feel the nose getting worse. I am tired. I am tired!! Much to do tomorrow, which is technically today. Oh no, my right eye is getting irritated!! UGHH!!! I didn't want to get sick, fuck you!!!
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