I went to use Macy's restroom and stepped into the frickin backrooms. Mall restrooms always tend to look liminal. I was so worried about people coming in and out of the restroom, my poses ended up being boring and stiff! I really need to learn new poses! Also, excuse the commodes in the first picture, it didn't click to me that they'd be in the background (^_^;)
It is the end of September. We have just passed our Harvest Moon, which means we must reflect and let go of things we no longer need. Autumn is here, leaving only 3 more months left in the year. That really scares me! And I almost feel like a failure.
I really need to stop fucking around this month. I need to make more art now! It is very imperative that I start making more shit. I am very tired of reminding myself, "I'll do it, I'll draw it soon, I'll wake up early tomorrow". The year is basically over and I didn't do all of the shit I said I would. I am not going to give up just yet, there are 3 more months left, bitch! We shall see just how much shit I can get done before the year is over! ᕙ( ᗒᗣᗕ )ᕗ
I am going to start talking about something different before I start spiraling. My cheerleader cousin is doing powderpuff and her football player brother is too. The game will be tomorrow on cheerleader cousin's 15th birthday, so I am in charge of making a poster for her. I can't really think of a clever phrase to write on the board, so I think I'll just put "Happy Birthday". That'll be cute, me thinks. I've got lots of glitter and stickers to decorate it too!
I have also started a craft project, since October has started! I looked up Halloween crafts, so that I could do a couple throughout the month. I came across Halloween themed paper crowns! They're quite simple to make, you just need a ton of ribbon and a hot glue gun. For me, the difficult part is measuring everything, like the circumference of my head and how tall I want the peaks of the crown. I did make a prototype that is too snug on my head. But, it fits my mom's head just fine, so I'll decorate and give that one to her. After I finish mine, of course ( ¬⩊¬)
I should be done with it by the end of the week, with a post following soon after! At least, I hope. Saturday is the hometown festival and my brother's birthday! Lots of things to do, hopefully all fun. Cheerleader cousin's Quince is only 2 weeks away. I remember receiving the news she'd have one back in February! And I could have sworn it was just February... Time flies. But it's all about divine timing, right? Everything happens as it's meant to be. What belongs to you will always belong to you. Just sit the fuck down and make it, goddammit.
I really hope to not be here by next summer. That is my goal for 2027. Gosh, the years are scaring me! 3456783. Typed those numbers while cleaning my laptop off with a clorox wipe. Anyways, scratch that first message. It is not "I hope", it is "I will be moved out of this place by next summer". I will be gone by next summer. As a matter of fact, I will be gone before the summer begins. I will be celebrating my 29th birthday by the ocean. I will turn 29 while my feet are in the water. I have made that decision. I am ready to leave everything behind. I mean it. All of my possessions. I will leave it if I have to.
I will also meet my goal weight and make a lot of money to sustain myself. I will! Goddammit. My time is now! I just need to be consistent and believe in myself. Everything will fall into place. Cinderella's going to the ball, which means she can get boba and watch movies in the theaters whenever she wants.
Real cunt shit.
My favorite horror film of all time is The Exorcist (1973), you stupid piece of shit! I have been leaving hints throughout some of my posts, if you haven't noticed ( ¬⩊¬) I think The Exorcist is an emotional drama about a mother's love, faith, and sacrifice. It's funny because a lot of my favorite horror films are just Jesus films in disguise. A lot of them are about hope and faith, which is something I need a lot of these days.
At first, I was interested in watching The Exorcist because of its notorious reputation. It's the scariest movie of all time! Let me take a look at it for myself... I saw brief clips as a kid while my parents were swimming through cable channels. I wanted to watch it and my mom left it on for a bit, until the crucifix scene. Then my dad made us change it, which is fair!
The next time I tried watching The Exorcist, I got my 3 younger brothers together to watch it on Netflix through their PlayStation. I was around 15 years old, so the movie kind of bored me at first. The film is a bit of a slow burn! I ended up falling asleep on the film. lol!
I didn't get to seriously watch the film until my early 20's! I took the time to watch the film and eventually purchased the book second hand. I watched and read The Exorcist during a very tumultuous time of my life. I was suffering from depression, anxiety and insomnia. My grandmother had just passed away. I was obsessed with angel numbers and thought entities were watching me in my sleep. I had several dreams about being possessed. I was also struggling with thoughts of self-harm, trying not to relapse. I had also developed this great and sudden fear of dying. I couldn't fathom the feeling of not being alive. Becoming nothing. Just stopping. Where will I go?
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| I read this during the height of my fear of dying. |
The film and book comforted me. I felt like I was Regan. Except, I didn't have Chris MacNeil or Father Karras to save me. I felt sick. Possessed. I struggled so much, trying to accept my past and what happened. It felt like coming out of a very bad dream. It took a lot for me to realize that I am suffering because what happened was actually worse than I was led to believe. I always thought I had a good life, that I didn't suffer as much as my peers. It all came crumbling down as I got older. To this day, I am still realizing that my dissociation, insomnia, obesity, derealization, oral health and so much more is a result of my trauma. I have been slowly picking up all of the pieces and The Exorcist had a part in helping me.
The Exorcist is unique because of its story centering around a young girl. The audience watches all of these atrocities happen to this little girl. It is utterly disturbing. We have to question: Why?
Father Karras: Why her? Why this girl?
Father Merrin: I think the point is to make us despair. To see ourselves as... animal and ugly. To make us reject the possibility that God could love us.
The devil is merciless. No human life is spared, not even the children. That is frightening. Especially to the audience during the year of 1973. I'd argue that current society has become quite desensitized to such imagery. I know current audiences (and past) might see this film as a slog or silly. "It's not even scary!". I feel like a lot of horror junkies are searching for the next big thing, the next Terrifier. I don't want to be a snobby piece of shit, but I think horror is quite versatile. It can be whatever we want it to be. With that in mind, I appreciate this film as a great piece of art.
There is a lot of fucking lore behind this film, there's even a documentary, The Exorcist Untold (2023), on Tubi if you're into that. There are countless articles, blog posts, and video essays one could find on the world wide web. It's easy to fall down the rabbit hole when it comes to this film. I have a digital purchase of The Exorcist, I have yet to acquire a physical copy. The shame! I also wanted to be Regan for Halloween, but I don't have the funds for a faithful costume. One day! I am constantly watching The Exorcist for comfort, so there's no waiting for Halloween for me.
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| A lithography project from college! |
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| The prints I made with it! |
This is the last post of the Horror Film Tag! Yippie!! Which means that tomorrow is the first day of October! Woo hoo!! How exciting. I'm quite chuffed with myself for actually finishing this tag. I attempted to complete this tag last year, but I totally failed. I think posting everyday has taught me consistency. I'm glad it's over though, this challenge has been consuming most of my time! I'm ready to start working on other things now ☆ ～('▽^人)
So, let's do a little recap of September... I didn't do much that month, therefore, I didn't dress up much. I only got one outfit post out of the whole month. I would consider my fashion goals of September a fail!! I also realized that I've been restricting myself due to a rule that I made up myself. It's not like I don't like the clothes I have, but I'm really starting to hone in on what makes me feel good.
I think I make these concepts and moodboards because I think I have to wear certain clothes during that season. You know that rule, "Don't wear white after Labor Day"? When Autumn approaches, the trends during that month include plaid, warm colors, and boots. I try to follow my own concept of what I think Autumn style should be and I freaking fail! I start to get an identity crisis, "Do I really like the color emerald green? Am I forcing myself to wear these clothes? Do I really like this style?"
I think too much! I do like the clothes I have, but maybe I just like the concept more? I like looking at all of these pictures, but do I like those styles on me? I'm also kind of lacking in clothes to replicate those styles in a way that makes me feel my best. I am going to try and wear those clothes in a way that makes me feel satisfied. If I can't meet those goals, I'm gonna have to do some serious soul searching and make some decisions!
Anyways, I'm still going to try and follow the board from September and see what happens! I need to relax. I don't have to be so strict! It's just inspiration, not a death sentence! I'm still going to make an inspo board for October because, why not! I have some more inspo to share that I hope to encompass this month. No pressure though... (Rolls eyes)
So, for October, I tend to wear more 90's/early 2000's goth. I like to mix my neon pieces with all of the black that I have, I like how cartooney it looks. I have a lot of mesh and satin, so I like to wear those materials when the weather cools down. Imagine walking around in a black satin, long-sleeve button up in 90+ degree weather... No bueno! Wow. It's almost as if I base my clothing choices on the weather that day... I am aware of my own stupidity.
Lately, I've been looking at a lot of late 90's and Y2K styles! I am obsessed with all of the metallics, funky make-up, glitter, and PVC/plastic vinyl, platform shoe and spikey chokers. I recently made a post about that style in my Horror Film Tag, post number 27. There have been a lot of misconceptions about the Y2K aesthetic, especially since it started trending on tiktok. A lot of people are referring to the Juicy Couture tracksuit, Paris Hilton, Mean Girls, super bling, tons of pink, lipgloss style of the mid 2000's. What I'm talking about is metallic eyeshadow and plum colored lipstick!
As I've mentioned in some posts before, October is going to be a very busy month for me. So, hopefully I can wear more outfits inspired by my moodboards. I'm starting to feel like a liar, like I have imposter syndrome!
So, it's a lot of velvet, stripes, mini skirts and platform boots. It's pretty easy for me to put an outfit together! I love my striped stockings and platform boots <3 I wear my tattoo choker with the cross on it so fucking much, that bitch is tired! I usually switch back to my Vampire Freaks, O-ring, spiked choker. I would love to have more pieces, but I'm broke as shit. It is what it is! I have a decent wardrobe as of late, so I have to make do!
I love the cyber aesthetic the year Y2K! I love the idea of mixing that aesthetic with the darker aesthetic. The bands I can think of that embody that look would be Orgy and Kittie. I'm certain there's more, but that's what I can recall from the top of my head. Wearing metallic eyeshadow and tons of glitter is so much fun!
I think the most consistent thing about my wardrobe is all the combination of hard and soft. I like to wear things that contradict each other, like a soft pink babydoll dress and a pair of shitkicker boots. I love the rave and cyber/cybergoth look because you can basically do whatever you want! It's very lenient. I will always love neon colors and having fun with my wardrobe. My goal is to be able to customize my own rave gear! If I learn how to sew, I can make whatever kind of rubber/PVC pleated mini skirt I want!
So, this is my inspo board for October! We'll see how well I incorporate everything into my wardrobe. I'm always wearing a black, so that's a given. I have a lot of things coming up this week, so stay tuned for some OOTD pics. Fingers crossed!
My dress for the Quince! It's a pretty dress, I'm sure it'll be useful again one day. I'm not used to showing so much ...
