We didn't expect our summer to turn out this way. Many birthdays and events came and went. I've seen more of my family during a month compared to a handful of years. And then, they get to leave and go back home to their own lives. It makes me extremely jealous. Because this is my life right now. Straight sorrow. I know I'm being incredibly dramatic, hence the tongue-in-cheek tag. I should turn on the water hose.
As I mentioned before, it feels like I'm being suspended in time. I usually love the summer, even though most of the years I don't get to do very much. I yearn for the days in which I can go out and play under a July sun, legs wading through salty waves, toes sinking under silky sand. I hope I can experience that soon, on my own terms, no longer depending on others for my own happiness. And that is a giant, painful fucking pill to swallow.
I've just put everything on pause right now. I know I'll eventually come face to face with reality when everything is done. A harsh one in which I have to pick myself up once again. I've done this so many times before, I know I can do it again. It's different now, being a 27-year-old college dropout. I know what I need to do, I know what I want to do. I know people don't believe that I'm strong enough to live that reality. I carry a lot of shame in my heart, but I also have a lot of hope.
Now that I've got some of my woes out of the way, I guess I'll update this blog with other news. I am now 27 years old. Yippie! Do I feel old, or rather, do I feel 27? Yes, lol. I do feel myself slowly going out of style. It's like a relief, no longer feeling the pressures of society to fit a certain standard (not that I ever followed them anyways) that is solely set for "younger" people. I am no longer interested in those kinds of things, which is natural for someone my age, right? It almost seems bleak because everyone younger makes my age sound like a death sentence. However, I have yet to meet people around my own age to mingle with. There is another world for me to discover as the years go on.
I still want to cut my hair, lol. I love my hair choppy and spiky, with my razor cut bangs. I let my hair grow out for the summer, and it grew out pretty nicely. I just recently straightened my hair to see how it would look, so I could determine if I wanted to leave it or cut it soon. You see, I have a flat head and thin hair. You can't tell that I have a flat head and thin hair when my hair is curly. That's my hair's natural state. When I straightened it, you could see how flat my head is, as well as how thin my hair is. Usually, when I envision myself with long, straight hair parted down the middle, I see it looking fuller, lmao! It looked fine, but it didn't really blow me away, you know? Not exactly how I'd like it. I could always do extensions!
My thing is... Hair always grows back! I know I won't always rock the emo razor cut my whole life, so when I'm ready to let my hair grow all the way out, then I'll do just that. Having emo hair is popular again, lol! Even though I'm no longer the target demographic... XD That's where it gets tricky with me! I don't want to "dress my age", you know? But, I don't want to feel like a loser who's stuck in the past, you know? And I'm not saying that to mock or insult anyone who still dresses a certain way, it's a personal thing. I'm sure I'll find a balance later in life when my hair begins to turn grey and my eyes begin to wrinkle. So I will cut my hair and wear my clothes as long as I can get away with it, lol. Or until I get tired of it! I know I'll eventually cut off all of my hair again in the future, lmao! I feel it in my bones. Why not, life's long until it's not.
Speaking of getting old, guess who's finally gonna see a My Chemical Romance concert on the 26th?!? This mother fucker!!! It was a birthday gift from my mother. One crazy ass birthday gift, if I do say so myself. I'm in the nosebleeds, but I suspect I'll have a grand ol' time regardless. I'm dressing up man, the whole gig. I saw a couple dressed as the demolition lovers on TikTok, blood and all. I want to wear my white foundation, but I don't want to be turned away at the door, you know? I might just settle for wearing white foundation centered in the middle of my face, like a highlight.
I'm gonna be taking loads of pictures, so you'll definitely see them here, as well as DeviantArt. My Chem concert photos + DeviantArt = Emo Checkpoint. Like, get real. I'll be using my digital camera for plenty of pics and shitty videos, lol. I don't know how well it will look, all the way from the nosebleeds, but I guess it'll add to the ambiance. Also! I don't think I'll buy any merch from the tour, I unfortunately think they're ugly. I know, gomenasai. I hope my concert outfit will impress enough people to receive free bracelets, lmao! I think that's the real prize!! Oh man, I can't wait!
That's all I feel like writing for now. I'm pretty tired. It's this heat man!
- Blessed Be!
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