It has been a month since I turned 27 and we are more than halfway through the year already. My grandfather passed away the morning of July 18 of this year. I have dreamt of him and my grandmother since, most recently last night. I miss having breakfast with him every Sunday, even though we didn't make it until 2 PM. Holidays will never be the same for our family. I will never get another birthday card and a bag of goodies from him again. But I know he's happy being reunited with his wife and I know he's always watching over my family and I.
My summer was a tumultuous one, a stressful one that felt like a dream. Another place in which I watched the world pass me by. All the moments I spent with my family were bittersweet; I'd seen more of my family in a month than I'd ever seen of them in a year. I tried making the best out of summer, knowing this would be the last one I'd have with him. I look back at pictures and barely recognize them as reality. It's really over now. There is no one here anymore.
I've undergone a spiritual and mental transformation as well. I no longer resonate with certain things and I'm finally ready to leave things that no longer serve me behind. I purged my closet, accumulating 6-7 bags of clothes and shoes. Do not be mistaken, it took me years to accumulate that amount of clothing. However, I let them go because they do not fit me in every way. I am shedding the excess, sliding of cocoon residue off of tender wings. I feel lighter.
I have a lot of hope for my future. I feel like I can move forward with numerous projects without feeling guilty. Without the weight of worry. When people hear that I create art, they see it as futile, useless, and indulgent. They think that because I enjoy creating art, a craft that appears as a cute little hobby that one uses to pass time, I don't put in hard work. It appears easy and fun because I make it look easy and fun. They do not know how much I've sacrificed to become a master of my craft. I make it look like a talent. I'm a damn hard worker, so diligent that I've become a perfectionist, my standards rising higher and higher.
There are so many things to do now. I just have to write it down and set it in stone. As it is written, so shall it be. I've done myself a huge fucking favor by tending to my mental and physical health. It feels like I have a base to build upon. When I'm doing well in my inner world, the content that I put out is pristine and maxed out in potential. I want perfection and I will get it. I'm at a sweet point in my life, in which I can finally see my career begin.
I look back on myself ten years ago and remember how clueless and lost I was on the bridge of adulthood. I have died over and over again, just to be reborn fresh and brand new. I've shed my skin almost 4 times over, it's like I've never been hurt. I could have taken my life many years ago, but I chose to save myself. It took 10 years of my life to fix myself, but I did it. No one will ever understand, unless you do. I feel light, I feel light!
Now, at the ripe age of 27, I am ready to finally begin my life. I've never been on an airplane. I've never been on a boat. I've never been on a date. I've never lived on my own. I've never been in love. How joyous it is to experience such luxuries after years of darkness.
You didn't come this far just to be plundered here
Tie up the ropes with pure strength
Sleep in this haven, the King holds your favor
With love much greater than you dreamed
No comments:
Post a Comment