I have found myself lined up with several different outings this week. That is a good thing because I have been losing my mind over the past week or so. I really need structure and outings to break up my week before I start feeling hopeless and utter despair.
I will be going to Spirit tomorrow. I know I keep mentioning it, but my life is so dull that a trip to Spirit is the event of the month. And I have been experiencing so much fomo. I know it's all just a waste of money and capitalistic propaganda, but I still have fun looking at everything. I don't have money to blow anyways, lol! My mother is taking me for breakfast that day, so that will be nice. I appreciate her taking me out, since she doesn't have to, you know? I am thankful.
My cousin has a football game on Friday, so I agreed to attend to see my family. I haven't seen my family since my grandfather's funeral 2 weeks ago, and even 2 weeks before that. When my grandfather passed, it was like POOF! Everybody's gone. I did not receive a lot of emotional support as a child, so I tend to isolate myself when I'm going through a tough time. I was isolated during this time, but it was against my own will. I would've liked to have spent some time grieving with my family, but it was like that was taken away from me, for whatever reason or another.
Family is conditional, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I have some family members that would gladly speak with me about my troubles. I do need to reach out more, I've just been feeling trapped in these emotions as of late. Right when my grandfather decided to leave this world, everything else left with him. I have a thought that lays dormant at the back of my head: It's Saturday night, when I wake up Sunday, I have to go to my grampa's house for a late lunch. He's not there. It's just an empty house filled with memories.
Sometimes I don't feel like I have anything left. I miss my grandparents, but I know that the physical vessel is limiting. I have but to ask, and they'll be there. Life has just felt a bit emptier without them. SO! Hometown football game it is! I hope I don't see a whole bunch of people from school there. I mean, it's a home game, of course they'll be there. My graduating class's 10th year anniversary is coming up next June. 10 years free from high school, man! And I don't miss it for one goddamn second. I'd rather be miserable out of high school, than miserable in high school.
The days have cooled down a bit, with the weather experiencing a lull in heat for a couple of days until it inevitably bounces back into the 100's. It will be in the high 80's during the game, so I need to figure out what to wear that night. To bang, or to not bang... My hair, that is. Curtain bangs? It's also very humid at that time and it smells like fucking frogs. Hair up.
And finally, this Saturday I will be getting my nails done. This is great because I hate typing with how long my nails are at the moment. Longer nails make my hands look more elegant and less stubby, but I hate typing with them. I need to feel the keys with my fingertips, I type faster that way! I've also been doing nothing but shades of purple for my nails, I'm ready to switch it up. I will always love a deep purple, but a deep red has been calling to me. It's vampire season.
That's my lineup for this week. Lots of fun, yes? Touching grass, yes? Integrating with society, yes? That's all I got folks, it doesn't get any better than this! I have to be learning some kind of life lesson here. Money is important, not chasing your stupid-ass dreams? You could've gotten the fuck out of here a whole lot faster if you had just bit the bullet and stayed a substitute teacher babysitting those badass fucking kids? It would've been easier if you had just stayed in school and finished up the last 3 months? But noooo, you had to have yet another emotional breakdown. Typical.
All passive aggressiveness aside, the guilt-tripping does no good. It's already been done. When I give myself a hard time, I forget to look back at my life and see how much hard work I did. My life sucked. I should've been dead. I put in some hardass fucking work to learn and grow and change. I've cut off all of the fat of my bloated sagging wretched life. I've been through things, very bad things, all alone. And I'm still here, despite it all.
It's no wonder that while I would drive an hour to university, I would fantasize about driving of the fucking freeway. I would imagine myself elsewhere, just like how I did in middle school. The same fantasy as well. I would begin to wonder... My fantasies can become a reality if I really wanted them to. I didn't have any ounce of confidence in my body when it came to my dreams. That'd be silly, wouldn't it? But the fantasies persisted, and I grew so much as a person. Not so much of a wish or a dream now, is it? It persists because it wants to be born. It has grown roots.
So I took that chance because I was dying inside. It's been a while since I made that decision and I can't say that it was the smartest one. I have to believe that this whole time I was finding out who I was without all of the trauma and anxiety. Who was I when I wasn't surviving to exist? I had to learn how to take care of myself and my needs. I am responsible for myself and that is a gift. It was rehab. I was moving through the grief and suffering. I felt every emotion, especially the ones I had to ignore in order to get shit done.
I guess I'll give myself some grace, then. I hope it will all be worth it in the long run. Dirty hands, clean money. Well, I have to get ready for my run. I hate myself, and I don't want to hate myself anymore. I need to take care of myself now. Nothing worth having comes easy.
Blessed be
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