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| 19 Years Old, c. January 2018 |
I was going through the notes app on my phone because I was trying to find old blog posts from like 2017/2018. I didn't think I'd ever want to look back on those posts, but I'm so far away from that time in my life, I can look back with "fondness".
I've been blogging since I was like 12 years old, lol! I kept making new blogs and deleting them because I was deeply insecure. I continued blogging all the way through adulthood, hence this revisit to an old blog challenge from January of 2018.
At this point in my life, I was still heavily dissociated. I felt like a ghost, or a person piloting a mecha. An observer of my own life. My skin suit was loose. I remember taking a picture of myself one day, when I was dressed up for a bridal shower. I couldn't recognize that person in the picture and it freaked me out. Who is that? Is that me? Little did I know, I was on the precipice of a huge revelation. I was just about to experience one of the hardest journeys of my life.
The list of questions aren't that profound and some answers might be similar in nature. It's just interesting to see how much I've changed just by looking at the vernacular I used to use. As a retrospective, I will be answering the same questions now as an extremely self-aware 27 year old. Yippie!
1. Name
2018: J.D. Gonzales. What, did you think you’d find out my real name??
2025: I knew I wanted to go by a gender neutral pen name back then. It still holds up! The J stands for Joseph, short for Josephine. You can see my chosen name right next to me, in the picture above, on a magazine clipping. I might've known that I wanted to use J.D. Gonzales back then, but I didn't know that I would choose the name "Joseph". It's a crazy little coincidence that prompted me to do this post.
2. Zodiac sign
2018: Cancer sun, Sagittarius moon. Ew, huh?
2025: Relax, dude. Cancer Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising. Only if you believe in that kind of stuff! ;)
3. 3 fears
2018: An early death, losing a loved one, and intimacy ;)
2025: Hmm... Valid answers. A bit safe, with a touch of edge. I fear not being able to accomplish any of the things I've sacrificed parts of my life for. All for nothing. I used to be afraid of dying, but I think if I lived my life to the fullest, I wouldn't be so worried. Losing a loved one still stands, I would die if I lost anyone prematurely. I've worked hard on my fears of being perceived and intimacy. So... Being abducted, assaulted, and murdered.
4. 3 things I love
2018: Spending time with friends and family, learning and discovering, and beautiful days
2025: That still holds up.
5. My best friend
2018: I have a couple of close friends that I hold dear to me (✿˘艸˘✿)
2025: You know, I was just thinking about the people I used to call friends... A lot of them did not deserve me and they were fucking awful people and fucking bad friends. I didn't realize that because of the depersonalization. I do not have any close friends anymore, just my family. I would love some friends, though. I ache for community.
6. Last song I listened to
2018: The Goddess - Alesana, I’ve been listening to them since middle school.
2025: I still love Alesana, they've blown up on TikTok to my pleasant surprise. Last song I listened to was "Buried Myself Alive" - The Used. And if you want me back, You're gonna have to ask...
7. 3 Turn ons
2018: Food, a good guitar solo, and t̶͖̔͝he d̸̩͔̋emis̴̩̼͊e ŏ̴̖̠f the hų̶̐man rac̷̼͆͋e
2025: I have always been a romantic and I thought by high school I'd have a partner. I low-key did, but let's not talk about that one!!! Nothing physical, just emotional. At the age of 19, my self-esteem was so fucking damaged, I felt disgusted at the thought of someone loving me. The bar was in hell, as they say. I was also very socially inept. I couldn't tell what people's intentions were. I was deflecting the answer above because my feelings of disgust were too intense to be vulnerable. The thought of having "turn-on's" was ridiculous, because a person as disgusting as me didn't deserve to feel desire.
Anyways, I love confidence, security, and openness. I'm 27, man, I don't have any patience for bullshit. I love having stimulating conversations, writing poems, picking flowers, leaving love notes, getting inside your head. I want that Pavlovian response. Seduction through words. I love when they beg and I love when they want me to hurt them. In the bedroom, of course.
8. 3 Turn offs
2018: Stinky, greasy asshole, not made of metal, breathes
2025: Again, I am deflecting. I do hate poor hygiene, though. I love the way someone smells when they've just woken up, I don't mind that. It's when you don't wash that ass is when it becomes a problem! I love passionate people, I hate violent, aggressive, argumentative people. I don't like when people try to control me or try to fuck with my head. Manipulation.
9. What colour underwear I’m wearing right now
2018: Wouldn’t you like to know, sick-ass
2025: Heh. I have a buttplug the size of a coke bottle shoved up my ass.
10. How many tattoos/piercings do I have
2018: Too indecisive and fickle to have a tat, but ready to put many holes in my body for sure 🤙
2025: I am fickle, however, I've wanted tattoos on the same parts of my body since I was in high school. So, I know I want them, I just need to figure out what exactly. I have some great ideas, but I need to collaborate with a tattoo artist. At the moment, no tats, just my ears pierced. That will change.
11. The reason I started blogging
2018: Mmmmm it’s more like “why am I doing this website” typa thing. And blog too, I guess. I needed a place to upload my work. Needed it to look nice n’ shit. A little ominous, you feel? I don’t know how it’ll work out though. And blogging... To prove that I am a sentient being and to use my provided tools as an outlet for my painfully introverted self. You know, open up?
2025: Very honest here. I started blogging cause MySpace went to shit, lol. I wanted a little place on the internet to myself. In high school, I wanted to be a fashion blogger. That was a big deal back then. Further down the line, I began working on creating a website for my artwork. That has been a work in progress since then. I have a website that I created to the best of my ability, but if I want it to be like how I actually envision it, I'd have to pay someone the big bucks.
Now, I blog because I love it, I've always loved it. I like to write and express myself. The whole fashion blogger thing never went away, so I post about that and my other interests. I am contemplating youtube, however, only for art-related endeavors.
12. How I feel right now
2018: Tired and dumb
2025: lol. Still valid. My back hurts.
13. Something I really really want
2018: A buncha patches for my jean jacket!
2025: I have a battle vest now. I didn't even think of DIY-ing my own patches back then. Stupid kid.
14. My current relationship status
2018: No
2025: The horrors!! I'm single, but not for long. My tarot cards have been going crazy.
15. Meaning behind my URL
2018: The Machinist film inspired it. Although, I don’t really like the film. And Johnen Vasquez.
2025: I can't even remember My old URL for this blog, I've had so many. I'd been an insomniac for a majority of my life. I've healed a lot since then. I'm too old to be pulling all-nighters, it's ridiculous. Waste the day away, why don't you!
My obsession with angels started late 2018 when I broke mentally. Angels have been an on-going theme in my work since then. I've also been into the ideology of Bondage since high school. I think bdsm is very intimate and involves a lot of trust and understanding. And if you think about it, angels are bound to God and solely exist to serve God...
16. My favourite movie
2018: 2 many 2 chews
2025: Valid.
17. My favourite song
2018: None of that bullshit
2025: Valid! However, I've been listening to "Set Apart This Dream"- Flyleaf as of late.
18. My favourite band
2018: No
2025: Still valid! However, I love The Birthday Massacre and the Misfits a bit extra during Autumn.
19. 3 Things that upset me
2018: Loud noises, hypocrisy, being taken advantage of or deceived
2025: Still holds up.
20. 3 Things that make me happy
2018: Making art, discoveries, breakfast at my grandparents
2025: I love this. Even though making art stresses me the fuck out, I wouldn't do anything else in the world. My grandparents have become heavenly angels, so no more Sunday breakfast :(
21. What I find attractive in other people
2018: Being confident in who they are as a person, hands, ?
2025: See? Confidence! I do still love hands. I am really attracted to dark, deep intensity. I love boldness. Strength.
22. Someone I miss
2018: I miss the company of my friends and family
2025: This is still true. I am friendless and I haven't seen the rest of my family in over 2 weeks. I miss my grandparents the most.
23. Someone I love
2018: Goofy. Emmymadeinjapan. Mommy Tang.
2025: Heh. Goofy. Umm... Myself, even though it's really hard to do :D
24. My relationship with my parents
2018: Pretty good, I’m lucky
2025: I know that they love me.
25. My favourite holiday
2018: Halloween you stupid bitch, even if it gets more depressing as you get older. I hate Christmas decorations, songs and movies (With a few exceptions, of course) but I enjoy the time spent with family.
2025: Hehehe. I love Halloween!!! I don't hate Christmas anymore, I just don't like vintage Christmas decorations. They bring me such dread.
26. My closest blogging friend
2018: Wtf I don't even know nobody on here
2025: Blogging's dead, man, lol! Personal websites aren't, though. What with Spacehey and Carrd and all. I use blogger because I'm an old decrepit bastard.
27. Someone famous I’d date
2018: I prefer someone who isn’t real
2025: I was thinking about Genos from One Punch Man. He's still so fine.
28. A confession
2018: I’m supposed to go to school in 4 hours but I haven’t slept yet
2025: It's almost 3 AM as I'm typing this. I said I healed my insomnia, not my sleeping schedule. But a confession... Social Media has been boring me to death.
29. 3 Things that annoy me easily
2018: Stinky, small minded people, eh
2025: Still valid. I hate judgmental people. I was at Spirit Halloween and these broads were making fun of Furries. Annoyed the shit outta me.
30. My favourite animal
2018: I like a good ol’ bear or baby elephant
2025: Still cute!!
31. My pets
2018: 2 pit bulls: Rose and Zephyr and a white German Shepard named Lily
2025: We just have Zephyr now. We also have 3 Frenchies, Buddy (Dad), Clover (Short for Cloverfeild. We named here after the monster. Mom), and Root Beer (Baby).
32. One thing I’ve lied about
2018: Eh too many
2025: Being okay, lol. I know I need to reach out and open up, but I'd rather see a professional at this point.
33. Something that’s currently worrying me
2018: How imma function tomorrow
2025: I'm worrying about getting back onto my own feet again, while doing the things that I love.
34. An embarrassing moment
2018: I’d rather not
2025: So many!! lol! There were a lot of moments in middle school that are bad :( Like my "friend" pantsing me in the middle of the soccer field in front of everyone. I'm over it, i'm just still in disbelief!
35. Where I work
2018: I don’t, I know I’m pathetic
2025: I was not pathetic, I was lost. However, I am pathetic now, lol. I used to work as a paraprofessional back then. I did subbing for a bit, but fuck them kids, it was not worth it. lol, I don't mean all of them, but damn, these kids were so fucking bad.
36. Something that’s constantly on my mind
2018: Creating
2025: Still true!
37. 3 Habits I have
2018: Procrastinating, eating when bored, staying up too late
2025: Still true, lol!!
38. My future goals
2018: I want to actually start a comic, get my drivers license, and grow my hair out to my asshole
2025: LMAOO! Everything but one still remains! I got my driver's license not too long after. I just want to build a presence online. I want to share my work. And I want compensation, lol.
39. Something I fantasise about
2018: Genos
2025: What'd I tell ya? Now, I fantasize about grocery shopping with a partner. Sharing the mundane with your other half. And being a vampire.
40. My favourite store
2018: Hot Topic
2025: Hot Topic is eh. Not my number one choice. I love a good discount. I like DD's, Ross, Marshall's, Daiso, etc.
41. My favourite food
2018: Veggietables and froot
2025: This is the truth. I also love salmon on toast and sushi.
42. What I did yesterday
2018: Eat breakfast @ my grandparents and drew walnuts
2025: Aw. I drew walnuts for an Art 2? assignment. Drawing class at community college. They look like little brains. Yesterday, I went Halloween shopping. Post about that after this one!
43. Something I’m talented at
2018: Pretending
2025: It was easy to pretend when no one gave a fuck about you!! lol. I sing very well. I've been teaching myself how to sing since I was a kid. Not to be pompous or anything, it's just a fact. I want to be in a band.
44. My idea of the perfect date
2018: Time-traveling. Or a lil cannibalism, I’m not picky ;)
2025: Shut up edgelord. However, I'd do time traveling in the form of visiting historical landmarks and cannibalism in the form of very passionate, aggressive love-making. Lots of biting.
These days, it would be relishing in the company of each other by partaking in fun activities. I love walking in nature with coffee, watching horror films in theaters, and exercising.
45. My celebrity crush
2018: Ugh
2025: I don't care for famous men. Famous women are different, recently I've been into Jessica Alba.
46. My favourite blog
2018: I used to love goth blogs. Still do
2025: I loved visiting goth blogs when I was a kid. They're all archived now :( Blogging's dead, like I said. Goth and Fashion blogs were the reasons I took up blogging again in high school. They're one of the biggest reasons I blog today!
47. Number of kids I want
2018: Don’t know, it will happen when it happens
2025: Valid, lol. For a long time, I was very adamant about not having any children. But, I could be a good parent and I love babies. I don't want any right now and I'll be that way for quite a while. I've barely started my life!!!
48. Do I smoke/drink
2018: When I feel like it, which isn’t often
2025: Valid! I tend to not drink anymore because I've thrown up too many times in the past.
49. One word that describes me
2018: Wack
2015: heh. umm... Intense!
50. My favourite quote
2018: “One by one we will take you!”
2025: You see, I was all about hopelessness and despair at that time. This quote is a lot more intimate:
No one will know the violence it took to become this gentle.
That was all 50 questions! It was funny to see how consistent my answers remained. I look back at that time with wonder; How the hell did I make it this far, you know? I have changed tremendously for the better. I wish I still had my old blog post, but I guess that'd be living in the past, no? It's another lesson to learn, I guess.
I have a lot more shit that I found in my notes app that I might divulge in. They're a bit harrowing and they show my declining mental state over the years. Just a little peak into my brain at the time, to show how far I've come.
Anyways, I have to go to bed! I have to be up by 8 or so! I can't run on 3 hours of sleep!!! You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now!!
Blessed Be
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