I must admit, I'm not feeling the best subconsciously as of late. I was working on a new header for my DeviantArt profile and I totally hate it! The resolution was very low, so my 3.0 pen strokes seemed HUGE on screen. I had to work around the resolution, so my drawing ended up looking a bit plain and lackluster when I finished it.
I was becoming so frustrated. Exasperated! I needed a break, as I've been working on my newest PFP and header for the past week nonstop. It was becoming monotonous, despite my insistence on consistency. It was very hard for me to get back into illustrating again, as I felt like I had to re-familiarize myself with the techniques I had previously learned. I had also learned more about how I'd like my illustration style to look, as it had been a long journey to even start drawing digitally. I have learned a lot in the past 10 years...
So, my brain is a bit fried. I've been existing in a constant state of anxiety, trying to figure out how to illustrate again. It didn't help that I was already struggling a bit mentally beforehand. I had a bit of a breakdown earlier in the week. I cried a lot. There was a lot of built up emotion that I didn't know I had. Logically, I couldn't pinpoint the reason as to why I was crying so much. It was just an overwhelming feeling of sadness.
I guess I'm sad because I don't have a social life. Having all of this time to dedicate myself to the craft is a very rare opportunity, but I'm beginning to realize that there is more to life than just creating art. It feels like I'm trapped, and the worst part is, I know it's all of my fault. Even worse, I know I could quickly rectify my situation with a shallow and temporary plan. Or I could just say fuck it, and give up on my dreams. I don't have shit to show for it, so why bother even continuing?
Sorry, that was a moment of weakness I just displayed back there. "The moment when you feel like giving up is right before your breakthrough." This is really hard to do by myself. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. "Any moment now, any moment!" I'm tired of doing this shit by myself. I'm not happy with my life. I wish I had a life to live outside of my art. Because, what the hell fuels the art??? LIFE!! This lonely, tortured artist shit is fucking bullshit. I'm really struggling here.
I think I'm just too damn hard on myself. This perfectionist shit has to pay off for something, right? I'm tired of being a slave to conditions. I've willingly lost control of very important parts of my life, a huge sacrifice I made, just to be here and create. Was it worth it? I don't even know anymore. I'm tired of being pathetic.
I think I'll give myself until the end of the year. If I don't make any significant progress, I'll just move on with my life. I'm really desperate to feel something, anything. I would then work on my next goal: Moving out of this stupid fucking town! "Take me out, tonight. Take me anywhere. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care". I just want to get out of here. This is all just so embarrassing, really.
I don't really know what to do to make myself feel better at the moment. I drank as much coffee and tea as I wanted, and I shuffled all of my tarot cards as usual. I even watched The Nightmare Before Christmas. I'm feeling quite lost at the moment. A bit hopeless. Tomorrow is another day.
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