Happy Autumn Equinox!

     Happy Belated Autumn Equinox! I wanted to post on the actual day, but I was very lazy and/or burnt out. My menstrual cycle is really kicking my ass right now and I'm not even bleeding yet. :( I have to share about my week so far.

    I have been fighting with my sleep schedule as of late. I struggle with how fast my brain runs through thoughts before bed. My brain does not let me rest. Insomnia has been a life-long struggle for me, so "fixing" myself won't exactly be a walk in the park. I hope it will get easier as time goes by.

    I had a dream about my grandparents last night. In my dream, I was in a classroom, similar to the ones from my high school. I was being made fun of by my classmates as well as my teacher. Suddenly, my grandparents came though the door in wheelchairs. The only time my grandparents used wheelchairs was when they were on hospice. But they rolled in and I immediately started crying and I ran towards them like a child. I grabbed my grandma's face and put my forehead to hers, as she grabbed my face as well. She was very earnest when she said this to me, "You need to leave! You need to get out of here! Show them how much of a freak you are!"

    I have been struggling a lot with my path. I know what I need to do, but at the same time, I feel stuck and lost. It was a message from my grandparents. At least I know they believe in me and the path that I chose. It was a confirmation, as well as motivation. Oftentimes, I feel like I don't have any support in what I'm doing. I feel like I'm doing everything by myself. And I am. But they're watching over me and they support me. They're pushing me. I trust them.

    What has caused me to be stuck is the fear that I will quit. I have been inconsistent in the past. I have been my own downfall. What if I fail myself again? What if I can't keep up? What if I sabotage myself again? I get burnt out so easily. My doubts consume me. I don't feel good enough. I really don't want to fail this time. I don't want to feel like a failure anymore.

    It's pretty funny how my grandma said that, huh? "Show them how much of a freak you are". I'm not a palatable person and I make even less palatable art. At least, to the people I know in real life. I really do need to get out of this shitty little "city". I do not thrive here, at all. I do not belong here, this place has no love for me. I have been laughed at for far too long!!

    I don't know what's going to happen and I guess that's what I have to live with. All I can do right now is live day by day and take control of the things that I can control. It has taken me a long time to finally come to terms with that knowledge. I cannot control how people see me or my art. I can only do.

    I have to get back to the Misery drawing. It's just been sitting on my iPad since I last took a break from it. I have also decided to post the drawings of Grim (That I will eventually do!) onto TikTok. There have been videos saying that the app will be either taken down or heavily monitored in the U.S. soon. I gotta take a chance, It's now or never. I don't know how to gain an audience any other quicker ways. It's even harder on DeviantArt. Obsolete on Instagram. And Twitter? Fuck that.

    Anyways, a couple of days ago, I decided to light up all of my candles to commence the Autumn Equinox! I had wanted to bake that day to celebrate, but I slept most of the day. So I lit all of my candles at my altar, as well as some incense.

    Don't mind the wire, I know that's a huge fire hazard, lol. Nothing happened! I made sure not to keep the candles burning for too long. Anyways!! How fucking sick is this bleeding heart candle? I do feel bad for burning it, but that's the whole appeal of the candle!! It looks so cool when it's lit, the red wax just oozes out! I have a rib cage and a brain that "bleeds" when they're lit, but I don't ever think I'll light the brain unless I get another one! I might light the rib cage.... or not!! Too cool, man.

    Well, I ended up baking the day after that since I got up at a decent time. I was looking through TikTok to find some cool ideas and settled on "Frankenstein" cookies. They were supposed to be easy to make, since they were basically chocolate chip cookies with crushed up Oreos and green food dye. I think I did something wrong, I might've massaged the cookie dough too much! The batter ended up really runny and the oreos disappeared in the batter! I had to mix the dough thoroughly with the food dye!!!

    In the video, the batter looked chunkier and the Oreos were still intact. The person in the video was grabbing the dough with their hands and placing it on the cookie sheet. My dough was too runny to do that! I put the same amount of cookie dough as in the video and ended up with a giant, melted mess! Fuck!! I started sweating and idealizing suicide. No joke. I was a failure!!! lol, I know it's not that deep. I am not a baker and it was my first time making those cookies. It could've been the fact that I made an easier recipe than the one made from scratch. FUCK!

These are the nicer ones I made for the picture...

And these are the ugly ones I made at first!! .·°՞(˃ ᗝ ˂)՞°·.

    I was a bit disappointed with myself... I had to catfish my own cookies!! At least they tasted good, my family ate them all. I'm glad they tasted better than they looked! I'll have to try again one day. Today, I plan on making brownies with spiderwebs and bandages. Maybe I can use red gel as blood?? They're supposed to be mummies, but I haven't come across any edible eyeballs in the stores yet. Bloody bandages it is!!!

    I've also been making a lot of lattes as of late, as well as drinking hella tea. I recently got this pumpkin pie syrup, so I've been making coffee and chai lattes with it! It's not my favorite flavor, as it tastes really "yammy", you know? My stupid ass didn't read the label correctly. I gotta use it, man. I might pick up a spicy tea, like an orange or apple spice. That sounds really good for fall. And I might pick up another syrup if I have enough left. We shall see!!

Pumpkin Pie Chai Vanilla Latte!!

    I better hit the sack. I gotta beat this insomnia, man. It's gonna destroy my life!! Wish me luck. Blessed Be!