I am trying to be productive, I really am! I just get way too emotional when it's time for my period. It will be here later today... Boo.
When it's time for my menstrual cycle, I get into these moods. I would compare them to how I felt during my preteen years, which was depression. Moments where I felt no joy, nor spark, no motivation. I felt nothing and it scared the fuck out of me. I still seek out my micro dopamine hits, like a cup of coffee or buying little things at the dollar store. It's only when I'm nearing my cycle that I get those feelings again.
I also feel like I don't have anyone to confide in. I have a lot of issues and I feel like I'm being picked on. I know I don't have to stay in this headspace, I am not a helpless victim. I am not a victim. I am trying to stay motivated. I am doing my best to believe in myself. I am working on something to ensure a stable future. One where I don't have to stay in this rut. I can do it. It sounds fucking stupid and unpractical to others, but I have a path. I chose this path, and I don't need anyone in my way.
I stayed up all night last night. I felt really lost and sad. I was trying to hold on to anything for comfort, but alas. It all dissolved in my hands and slipped through my fingers. I felt hopeless. So, I stayed up until I couldn't keep my eyes open. I hate going to sleep. I wish I had a switch to knock me out. When I think, I think too much to sleep. When I don't think, there is nothing. Emptiness inside of me. It's hard for me to fall asleep. What else is new?!?
I felt a bit better today. I made myself a PSL and watched Practical Magic. I was holding on to Summer for as long as August lasted. But it is nearing September and I finally felt Autumn approaching us. I was getting into the shower when I noticed the color of sunlight being let in through the blinds. It was a searing sunset orange and it reminded me of Halloween. It was then that I felt Summer made its exit. It's bittersweet, as I wanted to have a lot more Summer fun. Like having picnics and swimming in the pool n' shit. Going to the beach. Maybe next Summer.
The rest of the year is going to be pretty busy. I'm a bit distraught because I thought I was going to be way more productive. I thought I would have done so much more. I feel a bit disappointed in myself. I think I did a lot more internal and physical work than my output of content. I also thought I would have done a lot of work on my art thesis by now. I guess I better lock in, the year's almost over. I don't think my Winter Trilogy will be out this year. I actually want to go to Paris to film some stuff. Pshhhh. Maybe I'll be able to travel one day? It's not necessary for the project, I just think it would be great for the video.
I do more thinking than doing. Anyways, the rest of the year, which is just 4 more months... Gosh that is so fucking crazy to say out loud. Has it been that long already?? I swear it was just March. The rest of the year is going to be very busy because my mother is going to be helping my Tia with my cousin's Quince. After that, we have to clean out my grandparent's house. We plan on putting a bunch of stuff out on the yard for a yard sale. If they don't sell, to the dump they go. I don't know what the plans are for Thanksgiving and Christmas. All I know is that I am not making tamales this year.
I need more urgency in my life. No one's coming to help me. I just wish I had someone to help me. I feel so alone. Oh well, you know? I am extra sad today, I won't be sad forever. I just need to collect my bearings. I'm gonna figure it out all on my own, like I normally do. I mean, I can't let anyone else have credit for all of my inevitable success, right? I gotta start looking into the philosophy of nuns and monks, man. I need to find joy in the mundane. I need to learn discipline. I have to stop pussyfooting around my projects. I need to commit!!
And then everything will feel better, right? Everything will fall into place?? I would hope so!! Cause if it doesn't, then I'd give up on my dreams and work a regular job until I die. The end. I will give it up. I don't want to, I don't feel like I've done enough to say, "I gave it all I could". I have to stop thinking like this, blah blah blah!! I have no life, no distractions!! Work work work! If you end up making some money, you can take yourself out more often!! You can buy yourself a boo basket or go to the movies or go thrifting!! You can get yourself a fancy perfume and eat whatever you want!! Just sit the fuck down and make something goddammit!!!
I guess I thought that if I was happier, it would make it easier to create. I thought certain things and/or people would have come in by now and they haven't. Maybe if I had been working harder on my projects and pushing them out, I would have made some friends or have found community by now. Is it wrong to want these things for myself? Why do I feel like I have to earn everything good in my life? I also felt like I was waiting for a miracle, which was very stupid of me. The lack of urgency!!! Like I said, I'm gonna lock in. I won't be waiting around anymore, I gotta move.
I gotta get lost in my work now. I don't have anything else. It better end up being really fucking good for all of this bitching and moaning. That's my responsibility. Enough boo-hooing! I don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore. One day I will testify. Now I must sleep. uugghhh.
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