Kawaii Donuts and Signs From the Universe

 

    I have this habit of overthinking. I have another habit of fantasizing. I wish, I wish, I wish!!! I hope. I desire, violently. And yet, I make no moves. I second-guess my choices. And oh, how I doubt! I am trying to fight these feelings, I fight them everyday. I really have to get over myself.

    I love blogging because it gives me some sort of structure in my life. It motivates me to get out of bed. So far, I have posted every day this month for the Horror Film Tag. It's almost like accountability, a dedication. I am trying to become more disciplined and this blog has helped me. I have moved through many different versions of myself while being on this blog. And I am very proud!

    As I've mentioned before, I have this habit of doubting myself. I look for signs every day; Am I making the right choices? I have sacrificed so much, was it worth it? Will I be able to receive everything I desire, if I remain dedicated? Only time and hard work will tell. I don't know why I have so much anxiety when it comes to creating and sharing. I don't know, I wish I could just be normal. I think I'm afraid that I won't commit, that I will fail. I am a perfectionist and I want things to go the way I want them to. And I hate being seen!

    I don't hate it as much anymore. Like I said, I have to get over myself. Nobody cares! What a relief. I guess I don't work well with an audience. But I have come to terms with something. I have stopped looking at my "job" as "content". I do not make things just to put on my social media sites. I am working on a project and the audience is just witnessing it. I have a purpose and it's not being a "content creator". I am an artist (ew) and I have decided to share my work. That reasoning has taken a lot of pressure off of me.

    I keep thinking, "I need to do this to build an audience. I need an audience to get views. I need views to get big. I need to get big to make money." It's not about the hustle. The money will come, do not worry about it. What is your purpose? Focus on that. The rest will come in time. It is a very silly way of thinking, I need money right now. But, I've made many choices and sacrifices to be here, so I'm going to commit. I know a lot of people won't understand the choices I've made, and that's okay. Only I know and that should be enough. It will make sense one day.

    I went for a midnight jog this morning. Midnight is morning, right? 12 AM. I had just got done lifting weights in the garage and needed to finish up with some cardio. I walked to my usual spot at the neighborhood park and began to warm up. As I was walking, I noticed some writing on the cement. It took a while before I decided to stop and take a closer look.

    I wasn't looking for a sign at that moment. All I was worried about was my 10 minute jog. It seems to happen that way, huh? A sign will always come to you when you're least expecting it. Whether it meant "Keep jogging!" or "Keep working on your dreams!", I do appreciate the message. It meant a lot to me. So, I will keep going until all of the hard work pays off. I can do it, I believe in myself!

    Anyways, my mother brought home a donut for me. It's Hello Kitty <333 It was a very nice surprise. Good donut too, but very sweet, as donuts tend to be. I have to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of the day. I might go to the gym, it's leg day! Not to brag, but my butt has been looking pretty good as of late :3 My ass is not my best asset, so any improvement is good enough for me! I know what I got, so I just have to keep at it. This donut does not help, but I enjoyed eating it, so who cares.

Hello Kitty with my Kitty!